First Nine Years of Marriage (Before Marriage)
by Bimadabomi
Summary: A series of moments during the past nine years of Luke and Lorelai's relationship. Each one inspired by a moment or scene from A Year in the Life. Chapters not necessarily in chronological order. SPOILERS for A Year in the Life.
1. May 2007

_**This chapter is inspired by Luke and Lorelai's fight in the diner in "Summer." When Lorelai goes on about having an affair and "Who would it be with?" my gut reaction was that he was going to throw Christopher in her face. But he didn't. It seemed to be completely behind them in the past. So this came about. It's also inspired by the pre-engagement scene in "Fall." This time when Luke thought she was going to bail, he fought for them instead of letting her (supposedly) walk away.**_

* * *

It was _hard_.

They both knew this was what they wanted. After everything they had been through – especially in the past year – to be trying this again, it had to be what they both wanted more than anything.

It was.

But it was _hard_.

Luke knew, when he started considering this, that he'd have a big demon to overcome. Christopher. After all the years, the jealousy, the disdain – it had finally gone the way he'd always feared with Lorelai and Christopher and yes, he knew he was partially to blame. Had he not shut her out, pushed her away, let her walk away that night- it never would have happened. But no, he did not care for it, at all, and yes, he was going to have to get over it. He knew that before he kissed her that night. In fact, he'd already forgiven her for it.

Lorelai knew that she was going to have to live with the past, with all that had happened, she was going to have to learn to trust that he wouldn't hide big life changing things from her, she had to trust that he wouldn't shut down and push her away again the next time life threw him a curve ball.

After she dropped Rory off at the airport, she was exhausted. She hadn't slept much the night before – with the party running late, her adrenaline running after her reconciliation with Luke, the sadness of knowing she would be saying goodbye to Rory the next morning – too many emotions, with a late bedtime and an early wake-up call. She'd spent much of the night thinking of one or the other of the two people who were most important to her in the whole world. And yet, despite her exhaustion upon return from the airport, she found herself going straight to Luke's.

She knew he would be working, but it didn't stop her from wanting just a glimpse of his face and a cup of his coffee to comfort her after sending her daughter off into the real world.

He greeted her immediately, as if he had been keeping an eye out for her presence that morning. She smiled as he gave her a quick kiss on the forehead. Half the town had found out about their not-exactly-private kiss the night before, and she assumed that the other half had found out this morning, being that both Babette and Patty were in the night before crowd. Luke seemed to have figured the same, as he didn't seem to think twice about the quick PDA. Maybe he just didn't give a damn anymore.

"Woo hoo!" came a cheer from Babette in the corner. Luke rolled his eyes, Lorelai grinned, and she felt nothing but _relief_.

"Coffee?" Luke asked. She nodded.

"The biggest one you've got," she added, settling in at the counter.

"So, how did it go?"

"She got on the plane. She's on her way. I'm exhausted."

Luke served her her coffee – and then another coffee- and kept her company all the while, Cesar and Zach running the place expertly around him.

Lorelai finally declared that she should go home, but Luke could see the dread on her face, knowing she felt it would be empty without Rory.

"Hey, do you want to – you can rest upstairs if you want. Watch TV or something. Come back down for lunch in a bit. I'll be here."

 _Oh, this man_ , Lorelai thought. What had she done without him? How had she walked away that night? How had she ever thought that she could marry anyone else? He was _the one_. He was the one who got her, who could see into her soul when even she couldn't.

She nodded. "Okay." She dared to look up into his eyes. "Luke, later. Can we… talk?" He nodded. "We need to talk, now. Before this goes on too long. It's now or…" her words haunted her and she stopped suddenly.

"Now or never?" he teased. "Now works for me. I'll be up in a bit."

She was thankful to not have to return home just yet, but she hadn't really thought about returning to Luke's apartment. She opened the door and was hit with a million memories at once – and relief, that no longer did they have to be bittersweet. The place had changed – it had more color, and April had clearly taken up residence in the corner of the apartment that used to be Jess's.

She flipped down on Luke's couch and flipped on the TV. She wasn't sure how long passed, but next thing she knew Luke was there and it was evening outside.

"Lorelai? Hey. Lorelai?"

She mumbled and blinked open her eyes. "What time is it?"

"6," he said. "Are you okay? I came up here around 3 with some food but you were out cold."

"Thanks," she said, pulling herself up into a sitting position. "Sorry. It's been an eventful few days. I haven't slept much. Haven't slept very well in the past year, actually," she realized.

"You hungry? I can heat up the food I brought up before. Or I can make you something new."

Lorelai shook her head. "I'm okay."

"You need to eat something."

"I will. I'm okay right now." She folded her hands and looked down to her lap. "Luke…"

"Look, Lorelai," he cut her off. "Let me just say something." She nodded her agreement. "We told each other we're sorry in the maze. I know you're sorry. You know I'm sorry. It's about more than that now."

She nodded. "Yeah. It is."

"I am sorry for what I did to you, Lorelai. I am. I lied to you about April. I shut you out. I regret it. And not just because I lost you. When I needed you – for the character reference – I realized, I need you. I need you to help me with this. If I could go back in time…"

"But you can't," she finished. "I know. I know, because neither can I, and if I could, I would change what I did… that night… in an instant."

"I forgive you," Luke exhaled. "I do. I already forgave you, or we wouldn't have come this far. We have to forgive and just… forget. Well, not forget. We shouldn't forget what _we_ did to _each other_. I learned from what I did to you. But we have to forget what the other person did to us. Or else this will never work. I'm telling you right now, I forgive you. And we're leaving it in the past. I don't want to be the guy that throws this back in your face. Let's go forward. If we're going to do this again, we have to agree to let this be the past. It's done."

Lorelai nodded her agreement. "I forgive you, too. It's history."

A long silence engulfed them before Luke added, "Say whatever you need to say. It's now or never," he teased with a smile.

She laughed a little, but spoke up. "It hurt, when you shut me out. I was your fiancée, Luke. And you let me in more when I was your friend. We have to be those friends, first. You have to still see me as the Lorelai that you called when you were in jail and you needed a ride. The Lorelai that you come to when you bought a building. The Lorelai that you trust. The Lorelai that you let in."

"I know," he agreed softly. "And you have to let me know when I'm inside my head, Lorelai. You have to see me as the Luke you always had no problem telling the ugly truth to. The one you told to go to hell in the middle of the town square." The both shared a soft chuckle over that. "You're not going to lose me like that. And next time I will _not_ let you walk away. I won't."

She nodded her agreement, and leaned in to kiss him gently. "Luke?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you. I don't know when I fell in love with you. Long before we were even together, I think. But whenever it was, it's never – I haven't stopped. Even when – I was… married. Ask him if you want. I'm sure he's got plenty to say about that fact. Sorry," she apologized immediately. "I shouldn't have-"

"It's okay. It's part of your life now. Our lives. I love you, too."

Lorelai grinned, everything seeming to fall back into place with those words.

"Okay. Let's do this. Third time's the charm, Babe."


	2. May 2007 - again

_This one is inspired by the fact that Luke was at several town meetings with Lorelai in the revival, even when Rory was around to attend with her. I recall him disappearing from the majority town meetings in season5-ish, after they got together. So far these two stories have fit in chronological order, but that won't always be the case._

* * *

They had been back together a week when it dawned on Lorelai.

She was sort of still in a fog, that all of this had happened. Rory was out on the campaign trail, and she and Luke were back together. She'd almost completely written off the latter. And now, here they were. This was not the life she had been planning a week ago. Everything had happened so fast.

She often replayed the events that lead them back together that night – the party, Sookie telling her that it had all been Luke, the kiss in front of the diner- the same place where just about a year earlier she had issued the fatal ultimatum, Luke giving her the necklace he'd already gotten for her back before Rory's graduation.

It hit her at the diner one evening.

She and Luke were in a new, unfamiliar territory. They'd been friends. They'd been a couple. They'd basically almost lived together. They'd done domestic. They'd broken up before and reconciled, but never like this. Never after so long apart, and with such _things_ between them now. Never after having been so close to being a married couple, and having to start over from scratch. They were ready to jump in again, both knew what they wanted from this – permanence. But they were still treading lightly, unsure of how to get back there without going too fast, or starting over again completely. They were careful with words and actions, knowing ghosts of the past were fresh and they were going to come face to face with them from time to time. She didn't know how much to tease him, what to poke fun at him about – something that had always been so _them_ now seemed so tricky. She didn't know how long to linger at the diner, if it was okay to kiss him In public. The urge was to take it and run with it, but so much had happened to just fall into domesticity again.

Luke had just closed the diner that evening, Lorelai still sitting at the counter, drinking her cup of coffee, when she blurted it out.

"You planned a secret town meeting?"

"Huh?" he looked up from his spot behind the counter, where he was going over his receipts, concentration broken.

"When you planned Rory's party. You planned a secret _town meeting_." This time it wasn't a question, she was accusing him, knowingly, a grin teasing on her lips. She pointed a finger at him. "You!"

Luke shrugged, a hint of a smile playing on his lips. "Yeah, you know. Whatever."

"Luke!" she laughed in delight. "A _secret town meeting_!" She was emphasizing more words now, suddenly realizing how important every word was. " _You_!"

"We had to meet to discuss the party. There was no other way to get everyone on board." He gave a lighthearted shrug and back down at his receipts, a smile on his face now.

"You are going to _every_ town meeting with me from now on. No grumbling! Not after you _planned one_!"

He looked up at her again, and straight into her eyes. "Lorelai, I'll go anywhere with you."

She blushed, suddenly realizing her playful teasing had turned intense. She looked down at her coffee cup, then back up again. "A _secret town meeting_ , Luke!"

He smiled at her and let out a chuckle, leaning across the counter to kiss her.

When she looked back on this moment, years later, she'd recall it as the moment everything seemed to fall into place again.


	3. May 2012

This one is inspired by Lorelai's line in "Winter" about Luke not seeing his kid graduate. I thought it was strange since April had clearly graduated high school by then. Maybe it was just an unintentional overlook, but I came up with this based upon that line.

* * *

Lorelai was sitting at the kitchen table when the front door opened and slammed shut. She frowned, knowing it was Luke, but curious as to what has inspired his mood. She expected him to appear in a huff, grumbling about Taylor, or Kirk, or customers at the diner, maybe even TJ. Instead, silence. After a minute he appeared in the kitchen, strangely calm.

"Hey," she said, watching as he went to the fridge to pull out a beer. "What's up, Hon?"

Luke turned to raise an eyebrow at her, wondering how she'd read his mood so quickly. Then again, it would be strange if she hadn't. They'd been back together five years now, together two years before that, and friends for eight years prior to _that_. Fifteen years of reading each other. _Fifteen years_?

"She's only getting two tickets." It came out in a rush, no context provided.

Lorelai stared at him blankly. "Need some more info, Babe."

"April. For her graduation. She only gets two tickets."

"Oh," Lorelai said, processing what he was trying to tell her. Clearly, this eliminated her from the equation. "Anna, and you."

"No," he gruffed. "Anna and _Dan_." _Oh_ , Lorelai realized. This was eliminating Luke from the equation, too. Her immediate reaction was anger at Anna, but she forced herself to remain calm.

"Dan, her fiancé?" Lorelai asked, knowing exactly who Dan was. April had first mentioned Dan a year and a half ago when she was with them for Christmas. By the time she was back for the summer, it was clear Dan was a pretty permanent fixture. And by the time she joined them for Thanksgiving that year, her mother and Dan were engaged.

"Yes."

"But-"

"I know _. I know_. But the custody arrangement says it's her time with April, so I can't really fight it. I mean – April is hers while she's in school, unless it's one of my weekends, which this is not, so… she's going to control this how she wants."

Lorelai took a moment to process this. She hated that woman. Okay, that wasn't fair. They got along just fine together. In other circumstances she'd probably even be friends with someone like Anna. They were polite and cordial to each other. But ever since the day Luke told her he had a kid (or the day she found April filling salt shakers and Luke had to fess up to having found out he had a kid, really), she hated her for not telling him about April and giving him the chance to be a father. She kind of hated her when she said she couldn't be a part of April's life until she and Luke were married. And though she was removed from the whole thing, she hated her a lot when she was trying to take April away from Luke again when they first moved to New Mexico. And she sort of hated her now from taking this away from Luke, too.

"He's only her fiancé," Lorelai had tried to hold it in, but she couldn't. "When _I_ was only _your_ fiancée, she said that wasn't good enough. Now it's good enough for her though, huh? Stable enough to keep her father away from his only child's graduation?"

She partially expected Luke to reply with some kind of counter attack in order to defend himself, but instead he simply said, "I know. _I know."_

Lorelai sighed, feeling for him. She knew how hard it was on him to have April so far away, especially after spending so many years without her. "I'm sorry, Hon. Are you sure you can't talk to her about it –"

"I tried. For an hour this morning, when she called. There's no budging with that woman. And she's got the custody arrangement on her side."

Lorelai stood up and wrapped her arms around him, not knowing what else to say. She knew what it was like to be a parent. She would have never wanted to have missed any of Rory's milestones. She couldn't imagine anyone having the power to force her to miss out on those things. One reason she was thankful to have been a single parent with a child who had a father who was not overly interested in being involved was not having to share her. Missing your own child's graduation sounded devastating.

"Look at it this way. She's almost 18. Then the custody agreement is void. She can make her own decisions about where to go and when to visit and all that. She's going to be in Massachusetts. Close to us. She can come visit for long weekends or school breaks."

Luke nodded, allowing his hands to wrap around Lorelai. "Thanks."

She kissed him on the cheek. "Love you. Hey, let's order in tonight. No cooking. I'll even let you choose the place."

Luke chuckled and gave her one last squeeze before letting her go, thankful as always that he had this woman, that she had come back to him, that he hadn't screwed it up _forever_. How could he have thought he didn't need her involved in his life?

Lorelai never quite forgot the day she paid a visit to Anna's store in Woodbridge when she and Luke had been engaged. She always remembered how she'd mentioned it to him on the street that fateful evening, and then his anger at her having gone to see her. "You weren't supposed to do that!"

She'd kept herself distanced enough. She was polite to Anna when their paths crossed. She let Luke do most of the talking about big plans and big events. Especially since they _weren't_ married, she was afraid to push it too far.

She considered, by all means, April to be her stepdaughter. Of course, it wasn't official or legal or any of that nonsense, but she couldn't label her as anything less than that. As she laid awake in bed that night, she thought about Luke, and April, and Rory.

Her brain and her heart fought. Her heart said to do it. Her brain said to step back.

As usual, her heart won out. Sometimes it led her in the right direction, sometimes it didn't. Ultimatums? Not so good. Speech at Lane's wedding? Not so good. Kissing Luke at Rory's bon voyage party? Decent move. Proposing to Luke in the diner? Though it ended up going to hell, still she cited it as a decent move.

She locked herself into her office at the inn and pulled out her cell phone before she could change her mind. She thought about hanging up for a split second when the voice greeted her with "Hello?" but she took a deep breath and followed her heart.

"Hi, Anna. It's Lorelai."

"Oh, _hi_ , Lorelai," Anna greeted, guarded cheerfulness in her voice. Lorelai rarely called her for any reason, and given the circumstances of the ticket situation the day prior, she could only imagine that Anna had a clue as to what this was about.

"Do you have a second to talk?"

"Look, _Lorelai_ …"

"I'm not going to talk to you about the tickets," she clarified quickly. "I get it. You and Dan are engaged. You're stable. You want him to come to your kid's graduation. He's going to be her stepfather. That's your business. Yours and Luke's. I'm not going to get involved in that."

She wasn't sure if Anna understood the intentional reference to stability she'd thrown in there, but if she did, she didn't remark of it.

"I'm glad you understand."

"I just thought, maybe – and don't get upset at Luke about any of this, because this is all coming from me and he'll probably be mad that I even called you." Silence. "I was thinking, maybe… Luke and I could come out there, and take April out to celebrate. After the ceremony. Doesn't even have to be _right_ after. Of course I get that you'd want to take her out for that celebration. But maybe the next day, or… just a little something to celebrate with her."

She could hear Anna's heavy sigh. "Look, Luke and I have a custody agreement. One that _he_ wanted, by the way. It's not his time with her. And it's her graduation day."

"Right," Lorelai said. Her brain was telling her one thing, and her heart another, again. She wasn't sure which she was following right now. " _Her_ graduation day. I was a single mom, too. I get it. I wasn't going to let _anyone_ take away my milestones with my kid. I totally get that. But I had a kid who had a father who was pretty absent. Maybe I lucked out, because I didn't have to share her. I didn't have to give up my time with her to him. But you have a kid who has a father who _wants_ to be there for her milestones. He wants to be there. But more than that, don't you think April wants her father there, too?"

Anna was silent, so Lorelai went on. "I know Luke and I are not married. But we _are_ stable. We've been together five years now. And this is it for us. We're not waiting around to get married or engaged. We're just _it_. And so I know that April may never officially be my stepdaughter, Anna, but what else can I think of her as? And I'd hope that you'd _want_ that the woman your child's father is committed to thinks of his child that way, without legal paperwork to force her. As a mother, I fight for my daughter and what's best for her. I would fight for Rory. All the time. I'd stand up for her, and what was best for her. And today I'm just reaching out to you for April's sake, and what's best for her. Because I do consider her my step _daughter_. I'd ask you to think about how having her father there as part of her graduation would make her feel. Not you. Not Dan. Not me. Not Luke, even. _April_."

There was such a long silence that Lorelai thought maybe Anna had hung up.

"The ceremony ends at 3pm. You and Luke can take her to a late lunch afterwards. If you'd like."

Lorelai sighed in relief. She hung up, unsure if she'd just scored a victory or if the blow out she was going to have with Luke over getting involved in his affairs with Anna was going to be the only thing she'd take away from this. But she didn't really care. Her heart said to stand up for Luke today.

In the end, there was no blowout.

She'd approached him with caution, knowing he would be overjoyed to spend part of April's graduation day with her, but worried he was going to flip at how it came about. The past was the past, but still, she knew Luke and how he felt about these kinds of things.

He'd processed her news with an open mind (as per her repeated request). "Keep an open mind, Luke. Count to thirty before you react. And I only did this because I know I can appeal to her with my single mom card. And because I love you," she made sure to throw that in several times prior to stating the news, for good measure. And it was the most basic truth as to why she had done this, honestly.

April arrived to lunch at her favorite New Mexico restaurant, still in her gown, cap clutched in hand. Luke looked at her as if she was wearing a brown paper bag, while Lorelai lit up with glee.

"Hi, Dad! Lorelai!" she exclaimed, running to hug her father, and then her unofficial stepmother. "I'm _so_ happy you came!"

"What are you _wearing_?" Luke asked, eyebrows raised, glancing around the restaurant to see if anyone was looking at his daughter in confusion.

"This is my gown. You know, of cap-and-gown fame." She held up the cap and added. "And this is the cap." She had a sort of deadpan sense of humor that Lorelai still couldn't always read. She was never quite sure if it was intended sarcasm or not.

"But why are you still-"

"So you could _see_ her in it, Luke," Lorelai cut him off, sparing the two of them a back and forth of confusion. "Your daughter wore it since you couldn't come to her graduation."

"Oh," he realized, and stopped to take in the sight in front of him. "You look beautiful."

"Thanks," April blushed.

As the waiter was bringing out dessert, along with coffee for Lorelai, April dropped the bomb on them.

"So I heard back from my last scholarship today. I didn't get it. All I've got is the partial scholarship." She looked glum as she stirred the ice cubes around in her empty water glass with her straw.

"What? Are you sure?" Luke asked, aghast. "You were a straight A student! You were on the swim team. And you've won a million science fairs. How could they only offer you a partial scholarship?"

"A lot of kids applying to MIT were straight A students, Dad," April said. "And they've done more than swim team and science fairs. Some of them are published authors already. Mom said maybe I should look into my backup."

"Which is?" Lorelai prompted, when it was clear Luke was retreating into his head. She gave him a little nudge to pull him back to reality.

"UNM. University of New Mexico. It's public. Cheaper. I could even live at home to save on tuition."

Not knowing what to do, or how to handle this without a chance to talk to Anna, all Luke could say was, "Oh. Cheaper. Makes sense."

That night, Lorelai and Luke walked back to their hotel room, hand in hand. "There has to be a way, Luke," Lorelai said. "I went through this with Rory, too. Of course, at that time the way was _my parents_ , but still. There has to be a way."

"Anna doesn't have the money," Luke shrugged.

"And do… we?" Lorelai asked carefully. Were they a we when it came to their money for something like this? "Do you?" she clarified, sometimes unsure where their lack of a marital status left them.

He sighed. "I don't know. I don't know, maybe. It would be tight. Business is just starting to pick up at the diner. It's been a rough couple of years with the economy."

Lorelai nodded, knowingly – the inn had faced the same repercussions the past several years. "Maybe we can make it work. You can." Damnit. "I don't know. Let's look at our budget a little closer. You know, maybe we can order out a little less or find cheaper means of entertainment."

He nodded, considering her words. "I guess… maybe."

"We can even cancel the premium cable package. We don't need all those HBO stations, really. As long as I have the Lifetime Movie Network, I'm set." She leaned into him and kissed him on the cheek. "I know a completely _free_ means of entertainment, by the way. One you tend to like _very_ much."

"Lorelai," Luke laughed, unable to resist her antics. "Cut it out," he joked as he glanced around to make sure no one was listening to them.

"What? You don't like it, after all? All these years of pretending?"

"Lorelai," he couldn't help but chuckle, letting go of her hand to wrap his arm around her.

"I don't hear you denying it, Mister. I was _thinking_ we could try entertaining ourselves with it when we get back to our room, but forget that now."

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For getting us out here. I wouldn't have – I wouldn't have been able to convince her. I probably wouldn't have even pushed too much."

"It's the single mom bond," Lorelai said with a soft shrug. "Sometimes it works with her."

"I think it meant a lot to April that we came," he added thoughtfully.

"Of course it did. It was a big day. I mean, for all those years before she knew you, she probably never even could've imagined having her father here for her graduation. She was thrilled to have you here. It was all over her face."

"Not just me. Both of us. She really cares for you, too."

"She's a great kid."

"We have two great girls," Luke said, so casually, so thoughtfully, that Lorelai almost didn't realize how monumental his statement was. It was true. Five years together now, and they really were a family, the four of them. She was looking forward to having April around more once she was at MIT. Six years ago, she was beginning to give up hope there was any chance they'd make it to this. Sometimes it still amazed her that after everything they went through, it all managed to work itself out.

Pretty much, they want for nothing. Wedding rings, children of their own… none of it was necessary. Everything was just enough the way it was. In fact, it was more than enough. It was all she'd ever really wanted. She and Luke, truly partners, truly part of each others lives.


	4. November 2016

_Okay, so technically this chapter is post-revival, not pre-revival, but I think it fits best in this story rather than on its own. Inspired by the final four words and their impact on Luke & Lorelai._

* * *

What a day. Married, and learning she was going to be a grandmother, all before her wedding even took place.

Luke had disappeared back to the house, leaving Lorelai and Rory with a quiet moment in the gazebo as the sun came up. One of the reasons he was so perfect, Lorelai knew, was because he _understood_ \- no,more than understood… appreciated, respected, supported, loved… her relationship with her daughter, and knew they'd need a moment together on this day.

"You hang out here with Rory," he told her with a soft kiss. "I'm going to go home and try and get some sleep. Enjoy this time with Rory, because after the next wedding, you're all mine."

She loved him. So much.

After the first failed engagement, her failed marriage, hell, even his failed marriage before they even got together, they had sort of agreed that marriage wasn't the be-all-end-all it had once seemed to be to her ( _and Anna_ ). They were happy together, living together, being with each other, living life together as partners. The true partners they'd always been, except for – ironically – when they were engaged. Well, towards the end of it anyhow, when they both shut down and shut each other out. The beginning had been pretty good.

And it was true – marriage wasn't everything.

But after everything, to have been together nine years, living together for almost all of those years, to still have the passion for each other nine years in to want to marry each other was perhaps more romantic than any other memory they had (not true. The horoscope still got to her regularly. And Rory's bon voyage party. But it was right up there at the top of the list).

Then Rory dropped the pregnancy bomb on her. She didn't want to talk much about it – she was Rory, of course, already practical and sensible when it came to the whole thing. She'd already written pros and cons lists about every issue surrounding her impending motherhood, she'd told her mother. And she was apologetic for having let it slip on her wedding day, before her wedding.

"I already had my wedding," Lorelai reminded her.

"But still," Rory had countered.

They returned to the house to get some rest themselves before getting ready for the second ceremony that afternoon. Rory slipped quietly into her bedroom. Lorelai's head was still spinning a bit. From the pregnancy announcement, she assumed, though the alcohol, lack of sleep and – oh yeah, _getting married to Luke!_ may have all had some contribution to it. She climbed the stairs and carefully pushed their bedroom door open. Luke was snoozing on their bed, Paul Anka nestled up in a ball on his doggy bed.

Lorelai tried to tred quietly, carefully depositing her already discarded heels onto the floor, hoping not to wake Luke. She climbed onto the bed with him, when he opened his eyes. "Sorry, didn't mean to wake you," she sighed as he insisted that she hadn't.

Part of her thought she shouldn't tell him – for the same reason that Rory hadn't wanted to tell her yet – she didn't want him to have to dwell on this during their wedding and reception. _But hell_ , she thought. This was the first huge thing to happen to her – to _them_ \- as husband and wife, and she owed him that much. No hiding things, no lying, not when their marriage was only hours old.

"It's a good thing you already said 'I do,' Hon, 'cause we're about to go on our first major marital journey and I'm glad you're locked in for the ride."

Luke opened his eyes to peer at her as she slide up to him, snuggling into his side and resting her head in the crook of his arm, closing her eyes. She just needed to let this sink in. The comfort of Luke was immediately stabilizing. "What?" he asked, confused.

She took a deep breath, opened her eyes, and glanced at him momentarily. "Rory's _pregnant_ , Luke. We're going to be grandparents."

She felt his body tense momentarily. "That's not funny, Lorelai."

She had to let out a little laugh at his disbelief. "Luke, it's not a joke. She's pregnant. She just told me out there at the gazebo."

He propped himself up on his elbow to look at his wife. "You're serious." She nodded. "What… _who_?"

"Logan." She'd already told Luke about Rory's little affair, so his surprise was minimal at best (and perhaps he'd already forgotten about Peter? Paul? What's-his-name?) something she probably wouldn't have done pre-nine years ago. She remembered when Rory and Dean had their tryst, she'd kept it from Luke, figuring it was Rory's private business. This time around, she realized that when she felt frustrated with choices her daughter was making, venting to Luke about it helped. A lot. Kept her from venting to Rory about it and starting a new feud.

"Oh, man." He seemed to lose himself to his shock for a moment, before reeling himself back in. "Are you – is she – how is she?"

"She's calm about it. Nervous. A little freaked. But she's Rory. She's calm and she's practical and she's just trying to decide what to do. She knows she wants to have it. The baby." Lorelai still couldn't believe she was saying these words. "Not after – after how I had her, she said she could never even consider thinking of… anything else. She's just pretty confused about a lot of things. She's calm, though."

"And you're…"

"I don't know. I feel like I suddenly understand my mother a lot more than I ever have in my life." She let out a sigh and bit her lip. "Rory's 32. That's a completely acceptable age to have a child. Not like 16. In fact, some people consider that _old_ already. But… she's still _my_ baby, you know? I didn't want this for her, to be single and unattached and facing doing this alone, she's not really settled in her life right now. It's going to be hard for her to put this all together. But she'll do it. I'm sure of it. I'm just still feeling protective of her, and even… the baby. Sounds crazy, right? I don't know. And God help me, but I'm realizing what my mother went through but when her kid was only _sixteen._ "

Luke nodded, rubbing her arm gently with the arm that was around her. "I get it. We'll be here for her. Whatever she needs. If she wants to live here, with the baby – we can help her. No matter where she is, we'll help her all we can."

 _Damn_ , she loved him. Thank God she'd had the sense to marry him, finally.

She nodded and kissed him gently, closing her eyes again. "Grandparents, Luke," she laughed. "Married and grandparents in the same day."

He shook his head a little in disbelief, chuckled softly. "Only us."

"You know it's – " Lorelai laughed, realizing this only for herself at the same moment. "It's like we're going to get our fresh kid after all. A grandkid. One we can enjoy watching grow up together, participate in all the fun stuff with together, laugh at the cuteness, but leave it to Rory when it comes to discipline and groundings and back talk. Why didn't we think of this before?"

"Win-win," Luke agreed, closing his eyes, trying to let the news settle. He was shocked, but for some reason he knew it was all going to work out. "She'll be fine. She's strong. She had a great model."

"Luke?"

"Hmmm?"

"Marry me again, today?"

"You bet."


	5. January 2008

_Another one, inspired by one of my favorite scenes of the revival: the kitchen proposal, and Luke pulling out Lorelai's same engagement ring. I love it that she gets her old ring back, after everything. This chapter is based in January 2008, but ventures into original series (Partings) and revival (Fall) missing scene territory as well. Enjoy!_

* * *

One of the first things she had done after walking away from Luke that night, the night of the ultimatum, was hurry back to the Jeep and pull off her engagement ring.

At that moment, she was so aware of its presence on her finger. It suddenly felt so heavy and she felt like it was mocking her. _He's not going to marry you! He chose never! He didn't fight for you! NOT going to happen – ever!_

She'd known it for months, deep inside. She'd known it wasn't going to ever happen. But now, now that she took the last chance she had to get him to marry her and he'd said no, she knew without a doubt that it was never going to happen. She ignored any lingering thoughts that might have told her maybe she made a mistake, rushing into the diner emotional and bombarding him the way she had. What's done is done, and the outcome that was inevitable had finally come about.

She took the ring off and flung it angrily into the glove compartment, tears falling down her face and a small sob escaping her. She only had the tiniest sense of reason left within her, which is what kept her from flinging it from the window into the dark night instead.

She'd forgotten about it pretty quickly. It wasn't until a few weeks later, long after she'd packed up her Luke belongings and asked Rory to get rid of them, that she opened the glove compartment and found the ring. The sun caught it's reflection and the sparkle shined up at her – mocking her still, maybe – and she lifted it gingerly from the glove compartment with a small sigh.

She resisted the momentary temptation to try it on – just to remember, for a second, what it felt like. To go back to a time before this mess that she was in, this depression that had hit her. She had the immediate urge to try it on and remember, but she refused. This ring was not going to sit on her finger ever again.

She took it inside and found the box that it belonged to. After Luke had given her the ring that night over a year ago, he'd given her the box which she had stored in the back of her jewelry box. She replaced the ring gently – a bit more fondness for it now than the night she had angrily flung it off her finger and into the glove compartment. She'd been mad then. She was still mad, and hurt, at how the engagement had ended. But now, after what happened that night once she started driving without knowing what she was doing – she knew Luke ended up just as hurt as she was. They _had_ been good together, for a while there – dating, the beginning of their engagement. The ring deserved at least that much respect, for being a symbol of what they had been.

She took the box to Rory's room and set it on her dresser along with a quick note on a Garfield post-it. _Rory – please take care of this._

She never saw the ring again, until well over a year later. She'd assumed Rory had returned it to Luke, like she had asked. The next time Rory came home, the ring was gone after her visit, without so much as a mention.

Now Rory was on the campaign trail, reporting on Senator Obama's campaign for the White House. She called at sporadic times, and wrote hastily scrawled postcards to her mother and grandparents. She was busy – working long hours and at crazy times, traveling from one time zone to the next – contact was irregular and sporadic at best.

At the time Lorelai and Luke decided to move in together, Rory happened to be in the same time zone. "Hey, Mom," she said, before hanging up the phone. "I'm really happy for you."

"Thanks, Kid."

"I, um – I meant to tell you this sooner, but with everything, it kind of got swept by the wayside."

She directed her mother to the back of her closet, to look under the heavy comforter she used on her bed in the winter, where Lorelai found three cardboard boxes. _Luke boxes_ , she realized, gently opening them and peeking inside.

Somehow Rory had managed to consolidate all of the things she'd desired to get rid of after the broken engagement into three boxes – the spatula, the flannel shirt, the books. And there on top of the very top box was the small velvet box that must have been added at a later date. She knew what was inside, but she didn't want to open it and look at it. Although things were better now – she and Luke were back together. He was moving in. They'd come further than they had last time, already. Still, she resisted the urge to open it and see it mock her one more time.

She'd always assumed that Rory had given it back to Luke. When asked about it later, Rory would say that her directions had been vague at best – "You said to ' _Take care of this_ ,'" Rory protested. "I did. I put it away with the other things!"

"All this time I thought he had gotten it back."

"I think there's some kind of rule. If the wedding is off, the woman gets to keep it."

"Yeah, that's true if the man calls it off. If the woman calls it off, she has to return it."

There was a long pause before Rory asked, "So... who called it off?"

It had taken her a long time to get here, but she admitted to Rory, "I think … I think _I_ did." For the past year and a half, she'd blamed it all on Luke – Luke had shut her out. Luke had called it off long before she ever issued that ultimatum. Luke had chosen 'never' instead of 'now.' But maybe it had been her, with her ultimatum and her walking away and her going to Christopher, who had put an end to it.

"Well, then, yeah. You're lucky he didn't come after you with the court of law," Rory joked.

She knew Luke would never have done that – it wasn't Luke. He'd never received that ring back and he was never going to mention it. Not in the angry exchanges they first had when they would encounter each other in the town, not once they became friendly again, not even after they had gotten back together.

She climbed the stairs to her – now their – bedroom, and peeked inside. Luke had a bunch of his belongings, a lot of them suspiciously flannel, strewn about.

"I cleared out half the closet for you," Lorelai said with a chuckle. "Not enough space for all that flannel, still?"

He spun around to face her. "I don't need all that space."

"No, you take it. We're living together now. We share things equally. Including the closet."

Luke rolled his eyes, but was not about to enter into this debate again. "Fine," he agreed. He knew she would eventually take the closet back, bit by bit, until she had at least two thirds of it and he had only the space completely necessary, anyway.

"Luke?" she sounded serious this time. "I, uh – I found this just now." She pulled the box out from behind her back where she had been hiding it from his view. "I'm sorry, first of all. I didn't know I still had it. I should've returned it to you a long time ago. I thought Rory had. Miscommunication." She held it out towards Luke with an unsure expression on her face. "I just thought you should probably have it back."

Luke knew immediately what was inside the small grey box. His heart skipped a beat at the obvious reminder of their failed engagement right in front of his face, of such a huge symbol of the past appearing between them again.

He reached out his hand to receive the box, unsure, feeling the strange awkwardness of the moment. She was returning to him her engagement ring from an engagement broken more than a year prior, while they were in the middle of moving in together.

"I don't want to do it again," Lorelai said suddenly.

"Huh?

"The," she gestured towards the ring. "The whole engagement thing. I just. I feel like – last time it got to be so much more than what it should've been. Getting engaged, married. It was like the only acceptable outcome to our relationship, you know? We – I – couldn't just be. It had to be _marriage_ , _married_ , _wedding_ all the time. Like we were never truly going to be happy unless we were married. And that wasn't the problem. I get that now. It was us that we needed to fix, and getting married wasn't the great solution I thought it was going to be." She sighed. "Sometimes I'm glad you said no that night. We would've been a big, married, mess."

Luke blinked at her. "You're saying you don't want to get married?"

"No. Yes. I don't know. I'm saying that I don't want to wait to be happy. I want to be happy _now_. Which I am. We are. Right? Why does it ever have to be anything more than this? After all the time we lost, I don't want to be waiting around like there's more, like that's the _true_ happiness. We're together again. We're living together. We're committed to making this work for the long haul. What's a ring and a piece of paper going to do to make it official, really?"

Luke was silent for a moment, staring at the ring box and tracing it with his thumb, thinking about her words. "I'm okay with that."

Lorelai smiled. "We can always change our minds later if we want. I just – I don't want to get stuck in that trap again."

She went to fiddle around with the closet, checking how much space Luke had occupied, insisting he was trying to get away without taking exactly half, and when she turned back the ring box was gone.

She didn't see the ring again until the night he put it back on her finger, eight and a half years later.

On that mountain, thinking of her dad, things became clear. She remembered that 13th birthday, she always had. Why hadn't she been able to tell that story at her father's funeral? That was the kind of story that would honor her father. That was the kind of story that would have pleased and comforted her mother.

Then there was Luke. Was it true, what her mother had said, what he had said – that she had arranged their lives? She _had_ been the one to say they should just _be_. Was that what Luke wanted? Or did he wish they had married, done it traditionally? He had never once complained, ever. He had never acted like he was unhappy with their situation and desired more. She hadn't, either. Her mother seemed to be the only one who felt they were lacking something.

Maybe she'd been afraid, after everything that happened the last time they were engaged. Maybe she hadn't wanted to step it up and put that kind of pressure on their relationship, when they were already happy and committed to each other. Maybe she felt she'd tainted the experience of marriage after marrying Christopher in Paris. Why had she responded so quickly with ' _I've been married_ ,' when Claudia questioned her about why she didn't marry Luke, anyway?

She sometimes felt like everyone was moving and she was standing still. Watching her mother grieve the loss of her father, speak about how their marital commitment had gotten them through the hard times – maybe there was more of a bond to be had there, after all.

When she went back to the house, to Luke, she had expected to declare to him that she thought they should get married, and get his thoughts upon the matter. She had never expected the turn the moment would take.

There were few moments in her life that would be as powerful to her as this one. Somehow, this moment in their kitchen would even override the powerfulness of both the two marriage ceremonies she had Luke would end up having (they'd laugh, later – each of them had been married to someone else in the past. "But we married each other twice!").

He stood there, ranting, in his typical Luke manner – and she'd been caught off guard. She hadn't expected him to think she was _leaving him_ , of all things. She'd come back more in love with him than ever, hoping to marry him, move things forward in a way she hadn't thought necessary before, and here he was thinking she was about to bolt. Sure, they'd had their moments over the past few months – she'd lied to him about therapy, he didn't tell her about going to see franchise locations. Looking back, his realizing she had lied probably fueled his lack of coming out with the truth about going out with her mother and was partly to blame for his grumpy attitude, especially if he thought it was a sign of her bolting. They'd always fall into this trap, she knew – no matter how many years passed, they'd always fall into a communication lapse here and there. They'd gotten better about it, for the most part, but it was always going to be a Luke-and-Lorelai-issue.

But as she watched him, she recalled a conversation that she'd had with Sookie at the Dragonfly after they'd called off the wedding. She'd told her friend that it was about him not fighting for her.

And here he was, insisting that she could not leave, that he'd do whatever it took to fix things – as if anything was wrong. As if she wanted him to franchise his diner or she really needed that closet space back. Hell he was even offering to go to _therapy_ with her.

"You can't just leave!" he'd declared, desperation and pleading in his voice.

" _Luke_ ," she pulled him back to reality. "I think we should get married."

He took off momentarily and came back with the small grey velvet box. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw it, memories flooding her: the first time he'd given it to her, how she'd flung it into the glove compartment, replacing it in the box and leaving it to Rory, finding it in her Luke box and returning it to him eight and a half years ago. Had he really had it in the damn desk the whole time?! She let out a sigh, understanding where he had taken off to as soon as she'd brought up the idea of marriage.

"I should probably get a better one. A newer one," he said thoughtfully, opening the box.

Suddenly, the moment was too much. This was the ring. Her ring. The one that he had given her when he had first declared he wanted to marry her, eleven years ago _. Eleven years_. This ring had been through it all with her, with them – she'd worn this ring before they even knew about April's existence. She'd worn this ring through the toughest time they'd had together as a couple. She'd removed it for a while, and even married someone else, wore someone else's ring – and yet, here they were, all these years later, the same ring catching the sparkle of the kitchen lights in front of them.

She felt tears in her eyes, realizing that what Luke had said just moments earlier was true: they'd made it through all that. Through that tough time, through the broken engagement, through marrying someone else. It was all in the past, they'd been together for nine years now and there was her ring again. It wasn't mocking her this time. It was encouraging her. _You made it. You will marry him. It just took longer than you thought._

She didn't regret that she had told him she didn't want to do the whole engagement and marriage thing again. Because here they were, after being together nine years, living together for most of them, and they were getting _engaged_. They were at the point when many couples were divorcing, as the once endearing quirks had become huge annoyances. They were at the stage when filling the DVR up with Lifetime movies and bickering about putting away pajamas and falling asleep in front of the TV instead of getting through an entire episode of something was their normal. They were past the early romance stage where everything is new, where the curiosity of getting to know the other person is addicting, where the thrill of that person wanting you is still somewhat unbelievable. They were now at familiarity: she knew he'd fall asleep halfway through an episode of whatever they were watching. He knew she was going to dress up their dog in ridiculous costumes. She knew he was going to gripe about customers asking for wifi passwords at night as they ate dinner. He knew she was going to leave her pajamas lying around and would never put them away no matter how many times he asked. She knew he would get annoyed with her eating sprinkles off the donuts in the diner, but she did it anyway. They shared a home. They had a dog, and two daughters between them. They were past that stage where the idea of getting married was shocking and a wonderful surprise that the other person was thinking of spending their life with you. They _were_ married, by all accounts.

Here they were, all these years later: and he still wanted to marry her and she still wanted to marry him. When it was long past new and exciting and full of curiosity. When it was familiarity and domesticity and already about routines and filling salt shakers in the diner and about cooking or ordering in each night.

"Don't you dare," she told him with a smile, stepping forward to receive her engagement ring once again. It had all of their history in it: the good times and the hard times, the bad times, even – and it was back on her finger as if to say, no matter what, you two will make it through.

He was making a joke about the only way out was in a body bag, and she was somehow good with that. That had been the only way out, for a while now.

She didn't want a new one, she wanted the one that told their whole story.


	6. September 2015

_Takes place after the flashback to Richard's funeral in "Winter." I figure it's kind of missing scene from the revival BUT those are fair game since Luke and Lorelai were not married yet throughout most of it. ;) Merry Christmas!_

* * *

"Full freakin' circle," Lorelai managed to get the last word before leaving the house in a rush.

She sighed as she stepped into the cool fall air. Now what? How had she gotten here? She recalled driving her car to her mother's house in the morning – what seemed a lifetime ago. Luke had driven separately which is why he'd had his own car available to take Rory to the airport.

She'd even considered the idea of staying with her mother that night – but now that was out the window, obviously. She'd had too much to drink today to drive home to Stars Hollow. She felt the tears stinging at her eyes. _Hold it together, hold it together, just until you call Luke_ , she begged herself. She knew he would worry if she called him in tears. She wished, not for the first time, that he would upgrade that damn phone of his so she could send him a text. Then she wouldn't have to worry about crying or not. But he was still adamant his flip phone was fine– and had no texting plan, at that. He'd probably never even see the damn thing if she tried to text him.

She dialed him and waited, listening to the phone ringing on the other end. Once, twice, three times. _Please pick up, please pick up_ she begged silently. If he didn't come for her, she was screwed. Rory was gone. Sookie was off the grid these days. She doubted Michel was going to be very willing to come to her rescue. How had Luke become her whole support system? That thought normally would've scared her, in years past, but suddenly she realized it didn't.

"Hello?" he finally answered.

" _Hey_."

"What's wrong?"

 _Damnit_ , she thought. _Damn knowing this man for 20 years. Damn him for knowing just by 'Hey' that something was wrong_.

"Can you come get me?" she asked quickly, biting her lip to keep the tears at bay. "I'm sorry to drag you all the way back out here, but I need a ride. I've had too much to drink to drive and-"

"I'll be right there," he said instantly. She breathed in a sigh of relief.

"Thanks."

She waited for Luke on the steps, trying not to think of the day, or her father, or her mother. Instead, she texted Rory – although she knew she was in a plane somewhere between here and Europe. At least she'd have it to read when she landed. Her fingers eventually got cold from the crisp in the air and she shoved her phone and her hands into her coat pockets, staring up at the night sky. What was her dad doing right now? A game of golf? Visiting with Gran? She hoped he was happy. Was what her mother said about Luke true? Had he known what he was getting into? Was everything always her way? Her mother had been married 50 years to her father. When she died, how long would she have been married? Three months, to Christopher? Why had she and Luke not married, really? Was that all her choice? Was it the right choice? When Luke arrived, he found Lorelai sitting on the front steps.

"What are you doing out here?" he asked as she climbed into the truck. "Why didn't you wait inside? It's cold."

"It's fine," she insisted. "It's not that cold. Warmer out here than in there, that's for sure."

"Lorelai, what happened?"

She shook her head sadly, the tears finally beginning to push through. "It was bad. It was really bad. It was one of the worst fights I've had with my mother. Ever." She felt the tears fall now. "And the worst part is? I deserved it. I deserved it all. I am a horrible daughter."

"Lorelai-"

"I _am_ , Luke. I am. She asked me to share one story about my father. One good memory. And I just couldn't. I get up there and I just babble and babble, telling all these stupid stories. She said I dishonored his memory. And I did. She's right. I didn't _mean_ to. But I did. In front of her and all their friends, I just rambled on and on and accused him of leaving me in a freakin' _trunk_. And I embarrassed her. You know what she said? 'It's no fun breaking my heart in private anymore?'" She sniffled. "That's what I do. I break her heart. God, when she said it like that – I'm just _horrible_."

Luke sighed, putting the car in park and reaching over for her, their drive home delayed for the time being. She fell into his embrace and let the tears flow freely now, sobbing into his shirt. "I wanted to help her. I was trying so hard to help her. I kept thinking about how hard it must be. If I was her and I just lost…" she sniffled again. "I tried to be there for her. I stayed through the whole night for her. I was even going to stay over if she wanted me to. And instead I just hurt her again."

"She's grieving, Lorelai," Luke said softly, kissing her on the head gently. "Far be it from me to ever defend your mother. But she's grieving. People behave in all sorts of ways when they grieve. She probably said things she didn't mean."

Lorelai shook his head against his chest, then pulled away momentarily to look him in the eyes. "Maybe she didn't mean to _say them_ to me," she said. "But everything she said, she meant. I know. I know her. She said I couldn't care less that I just lost my father. And she really believes that."

"She doesn't. She's just upset right now. Everything has changed. She's fragile."

"But _so am I_ ," Lorelai defended herself.

"I know," he said, rubbing small circles on her back.

"And she really thinks I don't care," she sniffled. "That's what hurts the most."

Luke held her for a few more minutes, as her sobs quieted into sniffles, then the tears stopped all together. He continued to rub her back comfortingly until she finally pulled away. "I'm sorry." She sniffled and went on, "I'm sorry for making you drive all the way back out here, and for being a blubbery mess when you show up."

"Don't apologize. I get it. I've been through it."

She nodded, wiping at her nose and eyes. "Let's go home."

Luke attempted to engage her in light conversation on the way home – discussing her father's service, how nice it had been, who had come. She obliged him most of the time, but he relented when the conversation would fall into gaps of peaceful silence.

"You need to eat something," Luke declared when they entered the house, Lorelai hanging her coat up by the entryway and throwing her purse down on the table.

"I'm not hungry," she insisted.

"You still need to eat. You haven't eaten in two days. I'm going to make you something."

"But I-"

"Lorelai," he cut her off, no nonsense to his tone.

"Yeah. Okay. Thanks."

She fell onto the couch as he retreated to the kitchen. He returned a moment later with a glass of water and two aspirin. "Take these."

"I'm fine."

"You drank a lot today. You haven't eaten or slept in days. You've been crying. Your head must be killing you."

She shrugged. "If it is, I don't notice it."

He sat down next to her on the couch. "I know it hurts. It's hard. I lost my mom, and then I lost my dad. I get it. But you have to take care of yourself. And if you're not going to, then you have to let me take care of you. You need to eat. You need to take these aspirin. And then you need to sleep. Understand?"

She paused only momentarily and then nodded. "Yeah."

"Fair?" he asked with a smile.

She smiled back ever so slightly. "Yes."

He stood up and kissed her on the head. "Go change. I'm going to make you pancakes."

"Pancakes? But it's not even breakfast time," she teased, having spent many nights unsuccessfully trying to convince him pancakes would make a decent dinner.

"I know. Go change."

She went upstairs to their bedroom and traded her black dress for sweatpants and a sweatshirt, exceptionally comfortable after spending the _long_ day in formal wear. She kicked her heels into the closet – that should appease Luke, at least, to not find her shoes in the middle of the floor (though he wouldn't be too happy about them strewn about in the closet, but hey he probably wouldn't notice that until tomorrow), and crumpled her dress up into a ball and threw it into the laundry hamper. She was pretty sure it was dry clean only, but she really hated that dress. She didn't even want to see it again.

She returned downstairs and sat down at the kitchen table, watching Luke flip pancakes. She didn't even comment when she saw him add chocolate chips – something she usually had to work really hard to convince him to do. He set down a glass of water in front of her. She drank it without questioning him. She realized suddenly she felt extremely thirsty – probably from the intake of alcohol and the tears she'd been shedding.

She hadn't realized how hungry she was until she started eating. Luke sat next to her in companionable silence. He seemed to have anticipated her appetite, as the pancakes kept coming. When she finished, he cleared the plate from in front of her and dropped it in the sink, rinsing some water over it. In an un-Luke like act, he left it there without washing it further.

"Let's go to bed," he told her, shutting off the lights.

"But – the mess?" she asked, gesturing to the leftover pancakes and the cooking supplies he had yet to clean up.

"It'll be there tomorrow. C'mon," he put his hand on the small of her back to guide her out of the room.

"Who are you? What happened to Luke?" she joked, but she soon gave up and allowed him to guide her to their bedroom, the desire to joke still not really there.

She climbed into bed, hoping that she could finally get some sleep. In the past two days so much had happened that she'd either not had a chance, or the desire, to sleep.

Her thoughts started plaguing her immediately – thoughts about her mother and their fight, thoughts about her dad. Questions she had.

Luke seemed to sense her restlessness. He reached out for her and pulled her close to him, draping and arm around her middle. "Are you okay?" he asked her softly, kissing her temple and running a hand up and down her arm.

Lorelai felt immediate relief in his actions and nodded, then shook her head. "I don't know. I feel like – I was such a disappointment. I hope he knew that I loved him. My mom sure doesn't think so."

"You didn't disappoint him, Lorelai," Luke stated. She opened her mouth to argue his point but he went on before she could. "He was proud of you. I could see it. So proud of how you raised Rory and of the inn."

"Yeah, but-" she sighed. "I don't know. Those are big things, but somehow they seem small. I screwed up a lot more than I did right. He found a few things to be proud of, sure. Between everything else. And if he even thought half the things my mother does – I failed him as a daughter."

"Everyone goes through this," he told her softly. "When my dad died, I asked myself the same questions. You think back to things you should've done differently or moments where you were at your worst. He was proud of you. He loved you. He knew you loved him."

Lorelai shook her head slowly, her voice cracking as she spoke, "I'm not sure that he did."

Luke said nothing, knowing there was nothing that could comfort her from her thoughts at the moment. He kissed her again and wrapped both is arms around her, pulling her close. He heard her sigh softly and watched as she finally allowed her eyes to close.

"I love you," he told her, and she felt contentment wash over her.

The next thing she knew, she was opening her eyes and the bedroom was light. The curtains were open slightly – just enough to let some sunlight in and not make the room completely depressing in her state of grief, but not enough to find the sunlight blinding. She turned and glanced at the clock, realizing it was almost 3pm. She bolted up, surprised – she'd slept, boy had she _slept_. Luke was there, next to her. He was fully clothed and showered, leaning against the headboard as he read through some papers on his lap.

"What – it's 3pm," Lorelai stated groggily.

Luke looked up at her and nodded. "You were out cold."

"What are you doing here? The diner…"

"Cesar's in charge today."

Realization that he hadn't wanted to leave her alone struck her, and she simply nodded. "Oh. Okay."

"You feel better?"

She nodded, realizing that she did. With some sleep under her belt, the alcohol gone from her system, and having finally eaten, things seemed a little better than they had the night before. "Yeah. I guess."

"You should call your mom," he told her.

She scoffed immediately. "Yeah, right. I'm the last person she wants to hear from."

"Maybe. But she's hurting, too. And maybe she's mad. But she's still here."

Lorelai peered at him, confused. "What does that mean?"

"That you don't want to look back on this one day and wish you'd handled it differently."

Lorelai sighed, but knew he was right. The things her mother had told her the night before had really hit her. She hated that her mother thought so lowly of her, thought she cared so little for their family. But maybe what got her the most is that she understood why she'd think those things.

"I will. Later. Let me just… function again for a little bit first." She pushed the blanket off of her and rose to a sitting position, trying to figure out what her first move was. She realized she was starving, her pancake intake having been over twelve hours ago. It was as if Luke was reading her mind when he jumped in.

"Shower. I'll make you something to eat."

"Thank God for you, Luke Danes," she leaned across the bed to give him a kiss. "I mean it. Thank you. I couldn't – without you."

"You _could_ ," he told her sincerely. "But you're welcome."

She kissed him again before getting up and heading to the shower.

When she finished showering, she heard Luke downstairs in the kitchen. She went to the closet to look for something to wear and noticed her heels from the night before had been placed properly in the shoe rack. She shook her head and smiled. Glancing at the laundry hamper, she dreaded seeing her black dress, knowing it would remind her of the day prior. Instead, she noticed the black dress was missing.

She always seemed to underestimate how well he knew her.


	7. December 2007

The feel of Christmas morning was always something different than every other day. Most of Rory's early Christmases had been spent at the Independence Inn. Lorelai remembered doing what she could to scrape together a Christmas for her similar to that of other kids her age, back then. They didn't move into their house until Rory was older – long past the Santa phase – and luckily, during the hardest years for Lorelai, Rory had been too little to really understand. She hadn't felt the need to give her a ton of gifts or a huge Christmas tree. From four to eight, she did a pretty good job of making her believe Santa had come to the inn, just as he had gone to all of her friends' homes. Thankfully, Rory was always happy with a few books, even at a young age. They always enjoyed the holiday festivities that the inn hosted as part of their Christmas routines. Once they moved into the house, Christmas became more about lazy mornings and movie nights. Last year had been the first Christmas she and Rory ever spent apart.

This year was the second.

Originally, Rory had thought she would be able to be home for the holiday. She was busy on the campaign trail, but they did have a break scheduled for the holidays. She'd managed to get home for Thanksgiving. But due to their extremely tight schedule, the reporters found themselves looking at time off at the _new year_ instead of Christmas – something Rory hadn't assumed when she'd first heard rumblings of a "holiday break." A new ad had just hit the campaign – the Obama family wishing the country a happy holiday season – and they were set to write about the effects the ad was having on potential voters, especially people's opinions on the use of his children in the ad.

Lorelai had been bummed, but somehow this year it was easier. Maybe because it was the second time now. Maybe because she had Luke around instead of Christopher. Maybe because Rory was off on a job instead of choosing to hang with her boyfriend in London.

Still, despite not having Rory home, or having April around (Thanksgiving had been her turn with her father this year, Christmas would be his the following year), the feel of Christmas morning was still different. She and Luke had planned a quiet day together, and she'd convinced him that they should accept the invite to Liz and TJ's for dinner (though he had grumbled a lot about it).

She woke up Christmas morning feeling peaceful. It had been snowing the night before, and she could see a nice coating of snow outside the window. Despite the cold outside, she felt comfortable and cozy wrapped up in her bed.

And Luke.

She shifted so that she could settle into his side and rest her head on his chest. She could tell from his breathing that he was already awake. She wasn't sure what time it was, but he had to be indulging her already by "sleeping in" - by Luke standards anyway.

"Good morning," she finally spoke, her voice still heavy with sleep. "Merry Christmas. What time is it?"

"It's ten-thirty," he informed her, glancing at the clock on the bedside table.

"You slept in," she teased, kissing him on the chest softly. "Thank you."

She felt him shrug. "I _can_ sleep in from time to time."

"Not usually," she laughed. They fell into a peaceful silence.

Everything felt so calm and peaceful, and right – waking up here, with Luke. Being together on Christmas.

"Luke?"

"Hmm?" he answered softly, eyes still closed as he stroked her arm.

"You should move in."

She hadn't planned to ask him this, today. And just now when the thought crossed her mind, she intended to ask him it as a question. Instead, it came out as a statement. He opened his eyes to look over at her, and she shifted to her side and propped her head up on her elbow to look towards him. "If you want."

"Okay."

"Okay?" she asked with a nervous chuckle. "Just like that?"

"It's not like it's really out of nowhere," he pointed out.

"Yeah. That's for sure," she agreed with a laugh. Last time, his not moving in had hit her hard. "So… you will?"

"Answer one question for me first," he told her, and she nodded instantly. She didn't even really have time to wonder what he was going to ask her and if she should be worried. "What was last Christmas like? For you."

"What does that have to do with…"

"Nothing, really."

She frowned at his reply, but could tell he was still expecting an answer. "It was different. Rory wasn't here last year, either. But that was the first time we ever spent Christmas apart. She was with Logan in London. So that was hard for me. And then we decided to wait to celebrate it until she was home. But it was all wrong. I tried to tell myself it was because it wasn't _actually_ Christmas anymore. But that wasn't it. He – Christopher – he wanted to do all these new traditions and things and, I don't know. None of it was right. I was sad." She tried to gauge his reaction, but it was one of thoughtfulness. "It was in my head that it was supposed to be _our_ first married Christmas, you know? Not that I really let myself think about that – because I blocked everything you and I out by then - but I was feeling it. And instead I was somehow married to someone else and it was just – it was hard. I was playing along." She let the thoughts sit there for a moment before asking him, "Yours?"

"I went to Liz and TJ's. They convinced me – without your prodding, amazingly enough – because they said it was Doula's first Christmas. I was going to be fine to just open the diner and ignore the day. But they guilted me into it. Of course Doula had no clue it was Christmas, or what Christmas even was. She either slept or cried the whole time I was there. I left early. Came to the diner. Kept it open late. Kirk came in until closing. I had to kick him out."

Lorelai nodded, absorbing his story of his most recent Christmas. "Not the best, huh?"

She was still confused as to what any of this had to do with her original question. He cleared it up for her when he added, "I'll move in."

"What- not that I'm questioning your answer, because I like it – but what does all that have to do with anything?"

"We're able to talk about it," he said with a shrug of his shoulders. "I think we can move in together."

"Oh," she realized, smiling. They had grown. She'd already known this. Sometimes they'd ask each other questions, much like Luke had done today. Somewhere along the way in the past few months, she'd listened to what he'd told her when they first got back together. It was part of their past. They had to accept it and move on. Sometimes they'd mention things that happened that year apart. She found out Luke went on a date with April's swim coach and she hated the idea, then realized how ridiculous it was of her. Sometimes she referred to her marriage to Christopher. They spoke about it and moved on. "So. Yes?"

"Yeah." He kissed the top of her head. "2008's going to be a much better year for us."

"2007 wasn't so bad," she debated. "We _did_ get back together. We were together half of it."

"But the first part was pretty brutal." He thought about it. "Though, still better than 2006."

"I think that was the lowest of the lows," Lorelai laughed. The year she'd found out he'd kept April a secret, the year the wedding was postponed, the year she gave the ultimatum, the year she went to Christopher and later married him. "And to think, at one point we thought that was the year we were going to get married."

"2005 was decent."

"We broke up then, too," Lorelai pointed out, unable to hold back a chuckle.

"2004 then?" Luke asked with a small laugh.

"Well. We stayed together then, sure, but we only had half the year to get through by the time we got together." She shook her head at their up and down, on and off, made for TV drama. "2004 _was_ good though. A lot of firsts that year."

He kissed her on the shoulder. "Every year had its good."

"I guess so," Lorelai agreed. 2006 had been the hardest for her, and them, by far – she'd been oblivious at the beginning, but Luke had known going into the new year that he had a daughter. She'd been happy to start wedding planning early that year, but looking back now it was hard to relive that joy when she knew what was to come, and what was going on without her knowledge. Somehow she ended that year already _married_ to another man. But still, they'd had their moments.

"Let's do it soon. Let's start 2008 out right," Luke decided. "January."

"Yeah?" she asked with a grin, happy to see how differently things were going this time. She'd half expected him to take his time – not that she thought he'd drag his feet in the way he had before, but still. Things had been different this time around. But she wasn't used to this ready-to-jump thing from Luke.

"Yeah. It shouldn't take too long, It's not like I have that much stuff. A lot of it's junk anyway. And I can leave stuff in the apartment. Stuff that I don't need," he clarified.

"I'm going to have to clear out space for you in the closet," she noted. "I'll clear out half."

"Well. _That_ could take a while," Luke teased, poking her in the side. She laughed. "I don't need that much space."

"No. Half. I can do it."

"But I really don't think I need that much space."

"Well, use it or don't. But I'm clearing out half."

"Okay then." They lay in companionable silence for a few moments. "Are you _sure_ about going to Liz and TJ's for dinner?"

"Yes!" she told him sternly. "They were so nice to invite us. And it's Doula's first _real_ Christmas where she's going to be, you know, awake. It'll be fun."

"What would be fun would be staying home in bed."

"Tempting. But we can stay all _morning_ in bed and still go to Liz and TJ's tonight."

"As soon as they start fighting, we're out of there."

"Fine. But it has to be a real fight. Not just bickering. They do that all the time."

"Fine," he agreed, then asked her, "You miss Rory?"

She nodded. "Yeah. Kind of. Christmas feels different without her, but it's not like last year. I think there's going to be many more Rory-less holidays in the years to come. It's a new time. She's got her own thing going now. But it'll be nice to have April here next year."

"For Christmas. But then we're on our own on Thanksgiving."

She chuckled. "I think we're going to find ourselves in that position a lot. Two kids but just you and me, Babe."

To her surprise, he suddenly rolled her beneath him in one quick movement. "I prefer to find you in _this_ position a lot."

"Luke!" she laughed, delighted by his playfulness.

"Or there are several others."

She laughed as he leaned down to kiss her. "Cut it out."

"Really?" he challenged her, knowing her words were meaningless.

That gave her pause, and she laughed. "Well – no. Keep going, please."

"2008."

"Huh? What about it?"

"All the way through. Beginning to end."

"You and me," she realized. "I'm in. I'll even raise you 2009."

"Well if we're going to go that far, let's just do the foreseeable future."

"How about just, _the future_?"

"Deal."


	8. August 2007

Things had been going well.

It had been three months now, since Rory's bon voyage party and their moonlit reconciliation kiss. At first they'd approached the relationship tentatively, not wanting to jump in too fast, but it didn't take long before things were back on track, for the most part. There had been several somewhat heartfelt conversations (rather unusual for the two of them, in all honesty) and things seemed to become more easy, less precarious, as the months went by.

They'd taken the boat out for a long weekend over Fourth of July. April came into town for her limited amount of free time this summer. Lorelai had assumed that she and Luke would take a mini boat trip to make up for the missed one, but as April's arrival approached she noticed he wasn't doing any of the planning he had done before. She eventually asked him about it and with a shrug he said, "I figured we'd just hang out here. The three of us."

It was like the breath she didn't know she had been holding was released with a big whoosh. She would have been okay if Luke and April had gone away – that was never the issue. She had even been anticipating them to keep the plans they had quasi made before the reconciliation took place. But when he said the words, she felt a sense of relief course through her and the worries she'd had about what if it happened again were erased. April had been delighted to see Lorelai (though, Lorelai noted, a little protective of her father… she almost felt like she was the new girlfriend of a father who'd been raising his daughter all her life). They'd had lunches in the diner together while Luke worked, Luke brought her over for several movie nights, and the three of them attended the Stars Hollow strawberry festival.

She'd been relieved to see that Luke seemed to have, somehow, been able to overlook her marriage to another man – the man he'd always felt insecure about. He was careful in his comments when memories of the year past came up. Lorelai had had a fear that he might feel awkward coming back into her house, the house they had remodeled together for them but then she lived in with someone else. In typical Luke fashion he seemed to override whatever he might have felt about the issue with the desire to make things work.

It was a hot summer evening late in August when the one thing they'd never mentioned came back to haunt her.

Luke was fixing her kitchen sink for her, tools spread around the kitchen. She was taking this opportunity to clean out her refrigerator – not because she wanted to, but because Luke was forcing her to, almost as if Rory had left him notes.

Satisfied with the fridge's appearance, Lorelai sat down at the kitchen table to organize her sewing materials, figuring that since Luke was still fiddling with the sink, she may as well keep him company. She turned on the radio full blast, to which he grumbled about, and went about her business.

He was rummaging through his toolbox when the song changed.

"Okay, Lovebirds! It's Saturday night love songs. Non-stop love songs for the next hour. Call in your requests!"

She started humming along with the first few beats of the familiar song that came onto the radio, before she froze, realizing.

It was the Whitney version, not the Dolly version, but it was still the song all the same. She blushed suddenly and the embarrassment of recalling that night shot through her again. Why had she done that, in front of everyone? Surprisingly enough the town had moved past it fairly quickly (probably because everyone was more interested in watching the rapidly escalating reunion of Luke and Lorelai that everyone saw coming and the song was merely a blip in the story arc), Luke had never mentioned it, she'd erased it from all her playlists that next morning, and as far as she was concerned it was erased from her memory. Until it wasn't, like when the song blared at her through the radio.

He was looking at her, she knew it. He probably wanted to see what her reaction was. Make a joke! her brain told her. That was always the easiest way out of an awkward situation. Turn your head towards him and make a damn joke, Lorelai, she scolded herself. What's funny? What was funny about this? She needed a joke, quickly. Instead of a joke coming to her, she suddenly felt herself in KC's again with those blue and purple lights, the looks on everyone's faces like they just knew and felt sorry for her.

Instead, she just kept on rifling mindlessly through her sewing needles.

"Lorelai," Luke tried to get her attention. Maybe he wasn't processing the song, after all. Still, she couldn't look.

"Hmm?" she asked, keeping her eyes downward, even angling her head towards the fridge and away from him so she couldn't catch a glimpse of him from the corner of her eyes.

"Lorelai."

"What?" she asked, still refusing to look at him. Suddenly he was laughing a deep, roaring laugh, and she had to look at him because it was so rare for Luke to laugh like this. "What!" she said, unable to keep from laughing a bit herself.

"You seriously can't look me in the eye because of this song?"

She was laughing now, too, because she new it was ridiculous. Lorelai had done many embarrassing things in her life and bounced back from them with far more grace. And now, here they were, back together – it wasn't like she even had reason to feel weird about the song anymore, clearly it had meant something and clearly he reciprocated those feelings.

"It was embarrassing, Luke!" she defended herself with a laugh. "My God, I sang a love song right to you in front of the town. They were all looking at each other with these knowing looks of shock and concern. And it wasn't even any love song it was like, the most depressing and obvious love song ever." He was still laughing, albeit more softly now, so she rolled her eyes playfully. "Cut it out!"

He went over to her and pulled her up from her chair. She allowed him to and finally looked him right into the eyes. "Don't be embarrassed about the song," he told her softly, leaning in to give her a soft kiss.

She allowed the kiss to distract her from the awkwardness she had felt and returned it eagerly. "I kept waiting for you to respond," she admitted softly.

He chuckled, remembering the weird time that was only a few months ago but seemed like a lifetime ago already. "I would've. But you said that morning in the diner it didn't mean anything so…"

"Babette and Patty, Luke!" she said with a laugh. "I told that to Babette and Miss Patty. Like I was going to say 'Yeah, I'm totally still completely in love with the man and that was me pouring my heart out desperately and begging him to understand although I feel like we don't have a chance in the world of getting back together.' It would've been all over town before I even got out of the diner. I think that's the whole reason the two of them were even in the diner that morning, looking for gossip about me and you."

"Yeah, I realize that now. But you know, things were weird then, so… I thought maybe it really didn't mean anything."

"But, now you know it did," she clarified, finding her Lorelai-like strength and looking him right into the eyes. "It started out as a joke but then when you walked in and I looked at you it just…"

"I know."

"It's true though. I will. Always."

"I know."

The song ended and Lorelai gave Luke's shoulder a pat and flopped back down to her chair. "Okay, back to work. No more hanky panky. I'll reward you later when you finish that sink."

He shook his head at her antics and grabbed the wrench he was looking for before returning to his position under the sink.

While he worked, he heard her humming the very distinct tune of the previously played song.


	9. April 2010

_This one took on a life of its own (as all fics that are fun to write do!). Inspired by the "That's the kid" story from "Winter." It goes on to touch on Lorelai's feelings that things were cloudy, that she thought she knew what she wanted and what she was doing, as well as her worries about Luke being happy. Pre, during, and (a very tiny bit) post AYITL._

* * *

The sun was beating down hard for a spring afternoon. The intensity of the sun felt more like summer in Stars Hollow, but it was only early April. It was destined to be a hot summer.

A few months prior Luke had, of his own accord, agreed to sponsor Stars Hollow's Little League team. It was similar to the days of his sponsorship of The Bobcats, only the boys on this little league team were way less aggressive (as were the parents).

Lorelai had been after him to attend one of their games before the season ended (they had attended the very first, to check out the uniforms). He insisted it wasn't necessary. But as usual, Lorelai's persistence wore him thin. It also helped that Liz and TJ had jumped on board (maybe Lorelai's technique of bringing it up when they were present wasn't entirely innocent) to join them for a fun afternoon, and April happened to be in town for her spring break.

She had no idea it would be one of the hottest days of the year.

She also shouldn't have been completely surprised that Liz and TJ bailed on them, somehow. Yet, three and a half year-old Doula was still in their care (apparently, she was in April's care, but neither Lorelai nor Luke were sure how that one came about) and now she found herself in the hot sun with a grumpy toddler, a grumpy teenager, and a grumpy Luke ("Maybe don't wear the flannel when it's 90 degrees!" she'd finally snapped at him, then he seemed to mellow… and eventually removed his flannel and stuck with only the t-shirt that he wore underneath).

Lorelai put the small toddler cap on Doula's head for what seemed to be the twentieth time since they arrived. Doula instantly crumpled her face into a fit of anger and threw the hat from her head. April scurried after it and handed it back to Lorelai, their routine the past hour or so.

"Did Liz put sunscreen on her?" she asked Luke.

Luke shrugged. "Beats me. I don't even know when she bailed on us."

Lorelai sighed, and turned to April, who had been caring for Doula in the morning. "Did your aunt put suncreen on her?"

April shrugged. Like father, like daughter. "I think so?"

"Did you put on sunscreen?"

April shrugged again, teenager that she was. "I'm fine." Lorelai knew this was teenager for _No, I didn't, and I'm not going to._

Lorelai muttered to herself as Doula stomped on the metal bleachers in front of her, and reached across one for her cap, which she promptly threw again even though it wasn't on her head.

"I'm going to go to the restroom," April declared, wandering off in the direction of the restrooms. Lorelai had noticed her restroom usage was becoming more and more frequent, probably because they were nestled in the very small patch of shade. Maybe to avoid a sunburn.

"The team's pretty good," Luke declared, picking up Doula's hat this time and setting it down on the bleacher next to them. "The kids are small but they've got a decent swing."

"Yeah," Lorelai agreed. She took one look at the kids on the field in the thick material of their uniforms and felt sorry for them. This is why she never played sports. Why Rory never played sports. That, and they were no good at them.

April returned and walked up to Luke and Lorelai, deciding not to sit down. "Hey. Marcia's here!"

"Marcia?" Luke repeated, the name familiar. "Your friend from middle school?"

"Yeah. She's here with her family."

Doula suddenly leaned forward over the step in front of them and Lorelai snatched her just as she was about to lose her balance.

The crowd started laughing suddenly, and Lorelai and April both looked out at the field. Luke chuckled along with them as the kid who was playing right field suddenly threw down his glove and walked in the same direction April had gone a few moments earlier. The crowd seemed confused, and the kid's mother ran after him in concern, only to notice it was clear he'd walked off the field to use the restroom. Maybe he'd noticed the shade over there, too.

"When you gotta go, you gotta go!" one of the moms sitting below them laughed. Noticing the woman laughing loudly, Doula started laughing, too, clapping her hands in glee.

"Anyway, Dad, Marcia's family is going to the water park in Hartford. They invited me. Can I go?"

Luke didn't seem to acknowledge that his daughter was talking to him. He was still staring out at the field with an amused smile on his face. Instead, he turned to Lorelai and said, "That's the kid."

She frowned, confused by his words. She noticed he was still looking in the direction of the restroom. Maybe he was telling her that was the kid who'd walked off the field. "Yeah," she said, distracted as she grabbed Doula before she fell again.

"Dad. Can I go?" April was glancing over her shoulder at Marcia, who was near the restrooms with her family. Marcia was waving to her impatiently.

"Luke?" Lorelai prompted, elbowing him. He still seemed distracted by the whole player-walks-off-the-field-to-use-the-restroom thing. She wondered if there was more to this situation than she was processing, knowing Luke. But she was distracted at the moment being quasi aunt and stepmother and couldn't take the time to dig deeper.

"Huh?"

"April wants to go with Marcia to the water park in Hartford."

"I have to go, like, now," she said, frustrated with her dad's lack of focus. "They're already leaving." Lorelai glanced back to where Marcia was and noticed her family loading into the car in the parking lot behind the restroom.

Again, they seemed to have lost Luke to the distraction. "Lorelai!" April begged for help.

Over the years, April seemed to have come to see Lorelai as her stepmother, as she and most everyone began to understand it would probably never become any more official than it was now. She'd always liked Lorelai. When they first met, she'd thrown her the best birthday party she remembered having. Then suddenly she was gone, and her father didn't provide much reason why. But April was smart and she soon picked up on the fact Lorelai had left her father and gone and married Rory's father. She knew, since it was Rory's father, there must have been some sorted history there. She'd overheard enough of the gossip in the town to pick up on bits and pieces of it. She saw her dad's reaction when the two of them happened to be spotted across the square or outside the diner windows (though, April had noticed, Lorelai rarely seemed to pass by that way. Never alone. Only with him, and probably only because she couldn't explicitly tell him she didn't want to walk anywhere near the diner). Then she was back, and while April was happy to see the bubbly woman again, and happy that her father seemed happy again, she'd been protective. She never once showed Lorelai anything but approval of her presence, but Lorelai could see through little looks and small reactions that April was worried this woman had just returned to break her father's heart again. She couldn't really blame her. She hadn't been there to see everything that came before. She had no evidence that she was anything more than a flighty love interest. As the years went by and April began to understand she wasn't going anywhere, though she had missed all the years of their relationship the town had seen (and why they seemingly were behind this reconciliation without fear of it going wrong again) to back up her confidence in Lorelai, she began to relax. In the past couple of years she'd even seemed to put her own trust in Lorelai as more of a parental figure.

"Aren't you babysitting Doula?" Lorelai asked, though really she and Luke had been in charge of her ever since they got to the park.

"Well, I mean… Aunt Liz just said, 'Here Sweetheart, can you watch her for a bit?' then she was gone."

Lorelai sighed, knowing that trick of Liz's all too well, and lifted Doula off her lap and onto Luke's. "Here, Hold her." She grabbed for her purse and took out some money to hand to April. "Call us when you get there." April started to turn away when Lorelai added, "Wait." She reached into the bag by her feet and pulled out a bottle of suncreen. "Take this. And put it on. If you come back burnt your dad's going to kill me when he gets back from whatever planet he's on."

April nodded and took the bottle. "Thanks. Bye!" April took off running towards Marcia and her family and gave Marcia a hug as they jumped in the backseat of her parents' car.

Still, Luke seemed to be in his own world as he held Doula on his lap, not seeming to notice his daughter had just taken off.

It must have been her mother's words that caused her to start to question everything. Did you ever ask him what he wanted? Where he wanted to live? If he wanted children? I'm sure that didn't matter to Lorelai Gilmore.

At the time her mother said it to her, the day of her father's funeral, she hadn't really taken it in. She felt too much that night to process her mother's words. When she was forced to acknowledge the whole argument to recount it to Rory that night four months later, she started to process what her mother had said.

Luke was happy. Right? But had she ever asked him about any of this? She'd told him he should move in. She hadn't asked him where they should live. Since he'd been willing to move in with her, before, she figured it was fine, although she'd never stopped to think that maybe things had changed after her marriage to Christopher. She never asked him if he wanted more kids. They'd thrown the idea out there, abstractly, when they'd been engaged the first time. But then April came, and the breakup, and they never really spoke about it again. In her mind, he must have decided he didn't want more kids since he had a kid already. Maybe had they married after getting back together, it might have come more naturally. Were they stuck in a weird limbo place now? Standing still, and in between? And she'd been the one to put them there. She was the one who said she didn't want to get married. She was so sure she knew what she wanted and so confident in what she was doing. Now… had it cost him... her, them, a child?

Now she'd asked him, in the diner, and he'd thrown out some bizarre story about "bringing it up five or six years ago." The story made sense to her in an odd way because it was typical Luke, typical Luke-and-Lorelai. One of them thought they were saying something the other one understood when they didn't, and then it just dropped. There were still options, if they wanted to have kids. He didn't seem to give her a straight answer - well, he did. He said he was fine with it the way it was. But… if he'd supposedly brought it up five or six years ago, didn't he want a kid? Would he have regrets one day that he never got to raise a child from day one? Would he look back and realize it was all because he was with her? She'd wanted kids with him in the past. If he'd have brought it up this time around, she would've wanted it, too. She never brought it up because she'd assumed that he'd bring it up, and if he didn't want kids now that he had April that was okay, too. They had each other to grow old with and two daughters to make them a family. But was her mother right? Did she just knock him right over like a natural disaster, never giving him a chance to live the life he wanted?

They went to sleep that night, and he seemed fine. He didn't seem to have any lingering regrets about the topic, or feel the need to revisit the discussion. But as she closed her eyes and tried to sleep, her mother's words and Luke's story kept running through her mind before she gave up on sleep and sat up and turned on the TV. She chose one of the Lifetime movies from the DVR, knowing Luke was out and it was unlikely it would wake him. That's when the answer came to her.

 _Sandy is our surrogate._

 _You're doing it._

 _We're thinking about it._

 _Exciting! I just hope it works._

 _A baby would really help everything._

She'd tried to suggest adoption to him, and he hadn't seemed interested. Maybe this was the answer. The last line ran through her head on repeat: a baby would really help everything. Maybe it would. Maybe it would still help to make sure Luke had no regrets, to make sure they lived the life they should live and they weren't standing still.

In the end, he hadn't been so interested in the surrogacy thing, either, though he did agree to go to the consultation with her. Probably, she realized later, it was just to appease her, thinking it was what she wanted. But Paris spooked him, and when the picture of the potential surrogate came during the Last Days of Winter Carnival, he'd reminded her he didn't want to do that. She'd agreed, reluctantly. Not because she had a huge, burning desire to have another child, but because she had a nagging feeling she'd forced Luke to miss out on something.

"Can we talk about this?" she asked him that night. Paul Anka was knocked out on the floor in the living room after his busy afternoon chasing ice-skaters, and the Jeep was properly returned to its place in the driveway. She held her phone up at him as if that told him exactly what she wanted to talk about.

"About your phone?"

"About the surrogate thing."

They fell into lapses of miscommunication here and there over the years. Since the beginning, this had been their issue to overcome. All the other issues, they got exacerbated due to the lack of communication. If she would've told him she visited Christopher after his dad died, the vow renewal may not have happened. If they would've really talked it out after the first breakup instead of just simply kissing and making up (several times). If he would've told her about April when he found out. If she would've told him how she felt about being left out and postponing the wedding instead of letting it fester until she issued an ultimatum, ran off to Christopher, and married him. Somewhere along they way, she'd realized their problem. Actually, Sookie had forcefully pointed it out after the bon voyage party. She gave Lorelai a dose of tough love, no holds barred, in an attempt to make sure it wouldn't go wrong again.

Still, they fell into issues from time to time, usually because they were unaware they weren't communicating. Most of them were fairly innocent, nothing she figured any other couple might not go through. No more life altering secrets were hidden, no more painful agony tucked away. She'd gotten better about talking about things that were on her mind. The Lorelai from years ago wouldn't have even brought up her worry about kids in the diner. Luke from years ago would've shut it down without giving any perspective on it.

"Oh. Yeah. If you want."

She sat down next to him on the couch and said, "I need to know what you want. I want you to be happy."

"You don't think I'm happy?" he questioned, his face confused. "Where is all this coming from?"

"I don't know. My mom said… and with my dad… I'm just really thinking about things right now. If you said 'That's the kid' years ago, that means you wanted a kid."

"Didn't you want more kids at some point, too?"

"Yeah, but… I don't know, after the breakup we never talked about it again. And that was our mistake. But if you still want this, we can still do something about it."

"Do you still want this?" he shot back. "You feel the same way. Maybe at some point, yeah, we wanted to have kids together. But we didn't and we're okay with that now. It's not like we don't have children. We have two kids and though their not ours, we both love both them."

"Are you one hundred percent sure, because-"

"No picture window," he said, kissing her softly. "I regret nothing. I'm happy, Lorelai. Are you?"

"Yes." It was the truth, something she knew so surely, the answer that had come so easily when Jason asked.

"Then there you go."

The year went on and she left the kids thing alone, because she felt like he was right. But still things got cloudier and cloudier. It started with the realization about the kids. Then they started keeping things from each other again. Innocent as they may be, it was the start of something that made her uneasy. She confronted him about looking at real estate with her mother (something the Lorelai of years past never would've done) and he confronted her right back about not telling him she was going to therapy on her own (nor would the Lorelai from years past have admitted so easily to her lie and answered so honestly and quickly about it). Suddenly this made his grumpy mood more clear - he'd known she was keeping things from him. He'd probably felt the same things that had begun to make her feel uneasy. Then he told her that she'd been the one set up their lives and suddenly she was back to the thing her mother had told her again. Her mother kept calling them roommates. Her mother kept saying they didn't talk. He refused to let her help pay for April's grad school tuition. Why? Why were things going on like this and had she been the one to create this situation? She listened to that damn musical and the lines were in her head. _Then someone turns and says 'What about you?' And I stand here, mouth open mind blank. This should have all worked itself out by now._ She should know how to merge her life with Luke's after nine years. It should've already merged, completely. She should know a decent story to tell about her father at his funeral. She should've worked through the issues she'd had with her parents by now. She shouldn't have to be worrying about losing Michel because her business was standing still. She shouldn't be stuck in limbo, they shouldn't be stuck in limbo, because of choices she made. Claudia questioned her about Luke and she'd stated that he was happy, but the kids thing came back to her and she was questioning it again. Before she knew it, she was on her way to California. She knew it made Luke uneasy, but she knew she had to do it. She had to figure out what she'd done, and why. The Lorelai from years ago wouldn't have known how to figure out her thoughts like that. She had to do it before something overcame her.

When she looked at that vista, things became clear. The peaceful view caused memories of her father to rush back to her with such force she could recount the whole moment as if it was yesterday - which she did, to her mother, who for once, seemed pleased to hear a story, a sentiment, from her daughter. Thoughts of her father, and the inn, and of course Luke rushed into her head. Move forward, the view told her. Don't stand still. Like it was that simple all along, and maybe it was. Figure out how to honor your father, instead of the dishonor she had given him at his service. Figure out a way to expand the inn, the business that was as old as the beginning of her relationship with Luke, but had changed even less than they had in the same amount of years.

And then one word kept flying through her mind. _Marriage. Marriage. Marriage_.

She changed her plane tickets and planned all the while. Priority number one was Luke. She'd figure out what to do about the inn and Michel, her father, later (ironically, she found the courage to expand the inn and a way to honor her father the right way all in one).

 _Marriage._

She'd been scared. When they got back together, she'd been scared to try it again. If they got engaged again, and it fell apart again, she wouldn't be able to handle it. She figured maybe she should cut and run. As soon as they were committed enough, she should cut it there and call them permanent. Close enough, without pushing it so far they fell over the edge again.

She had never admitted to herself or anyone that she'd been scared until she was up there on that vista. The view was so overwhelming and peaceful, a reminder that the world was so huge, and suddenly her fear seemed minuscule compared to the grandeur of the world.

"What happened at that vista?" The Luke from the years past never would've asked this.

They'd been engaged only hours by the time Luke circled back to her declaration in the kitchen, about not being able to hike but instead found a vista that suddenly made everything clear to her. In the moment, he hadn't paid much attention to her story. Instead he was worried she was getting ready to tell him that the vista had told her to sell the house, leave the man, and move to California. Now that everything was clear, he wondered what exactly had happened.

She'd been putting lotion on her hands as she got ready for bed, paying close attention to the ring that sat upon her left hand once again. It seemed so familiar, looking at her hand with that ring, though it had been ten years since it last sat on her finger. "I honestly – I don't know. Looking out at the view, nature, the world, everything just suddenly became clear."

"Everything?"

"I think all this started when my dad died," she explained. She'd already traced this moment in her life back to when things started to get cloudy. "My mother and I, we had that fight – she said some things to me. About Dad. About you. About life in general. She was pissed at me for that story I told, and even I couldn't understand why I'd told that story. Then she kept saying that you and I don't talk to each other. Then, you said our lives were set up by me and you didn't know why things were separate."

"I didn't mean –"

"I know. The thing is, I didn't mean for that to happen. In fact, the whole reason we broke up all those years ago was because I didn't want our lives to be separate. I don't know what happened, Luke. I really don't know. I never wanted our lives to be separate. I was so sure I knew what I was doing. I wasn't going to second guess myself. But now I know I was scared," she admitted, her voice soft. "I didn't realize that until up there on that vista. After our engagement before and how it all ended. After marrying Christopher. You and Nicole. My engagement to Max… neither of us have had much success at being engaged or married. Even to each other. We couldn't even pull off an engagement to each other. I was scared to do it again. I couldn't lose you again. For years I figured we didn't need anything more, because we were doing just fine the way we were. It was safe and it was almost like we were married. But there was still a tiny black hole in there where things were getting lost. I said I didn't want to but I've probably wanted it since 2005."

He leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead, understanding. "We _can_ do it this time."

She nodded and smiled at him. "I know that, now. The vista told me," she added with a laugh.

They married, and somehow, she felt lighter. Like _the map of her life was clear and precise, with little red dashes and circles so nice. Showing roadblocks. And landmines._

Or maybe it wasn't quite so precise, because a landmine she knew nothing about seemed to be coming her way only hours later while sitting on the steps of the gazebo with her daughter.

She didn't take the song that literally. She knew landmines would never be mapped out clearly in front of her. She knew a thing or two about landmines. She'd had one explode when she'd gotten pregnant at sixteen. She never would've imagined when she got engaged to Luke, the first time, that such a huge landmine was out there waiting for them. Though this landmine was Rory's that she knew she was going to get pulled into, her marriage to Luke calmed her in a way she might not have been calm had this happened several months ago.

"We're going to be grandparents," she'd told Luke as she first babbled the news to him. Though they'd married and she'd trusted he was happy after his speech in the kitchen upon her return from California, she still knew they'd missed out on something. Suddenly, the answer to everything seemed to be in front of her: grandparents.

They never had a kid of their own together. This experience was going to be theirs, together. Their marriage seemed to cement everything, make it more clear, no confusing limbo. Together they would watch this child grow up. Together they would help Rory care for the baby. Together they would experience birthday parties and graduations. Together they would attend recitals and performances and God forbid, sporting events. They had never been the first anything to each other. Both of them had experienced parenthood with someone else. They'd both had marriages to someone else, first. But becoming grandparents was a first for both of them to experience together.

When their grandchild was born, they stood in Rory's hospital room. After a long and busy day, the chaos of the day was dwindling down and Emily was fussing with the baby that Rory was holding. Luke turned to Lorelai and said, with a knowing smile on his face, " _That's_ the kid."

She felt tears of happiness and contentment pool in her eyes and she could only grin at him through her tears, the communication clear this time. She wrapped her arms around his middle and leaned into him gently, resting her head on his shoulder. "Yeah."

Notes:

Thanks to . /episode_ ?tv-show=gilmore-girls-a-year-in-the-life-2016 for the transcript of the episode where I found some of the dialogue used in the fic!


	10. September 2015 - again

Her phone was a calculator.

Then, suddenly, her mother was calling. She didn't know then that the call would change everything – literally, _everything_. She usually avoided her mother's calls – so much so that when she picked up her mother was always surprised. But today she answered just because of the fact that she was shaken by her calculator returning to a cell phone, the incoming call surprising her, and she answered by the second ring.

"Lorelai. It's your father. Come now. He's had a bad heart attack. He's in the ICU," was all her mother had said before hanging up with a _click_. She hadn't even told her what hospital. She assumed it was Hartford Hospital - the one they'd gone to each time this had happened. She took a deep breath, noticing her phone had become a calculator again, like she was going to use a calculator _now._ She had to mentally prepare herself for what was to come. Her father had gone through this before, but this made it no easier. Had he ever been in the ICU before? Had her mother ever called it "bad" straight away before? She tried to recall the answers to all of this for a moment before her mind went blank.

She stared at her phone a minute before exiting out of the calculator app with a push of the home button and going to her favorites menu to dial Luke.

"I have to go to the hospital," she told him when he answered. "Were we supposed to do something tonight?"

"Wh- Lorelai? What are you talking about?" She could tell by the background noise that the diner was busy. Was it lunch rush?

"My dad. I have to go to the hospital. So that thing we were supposed to do tonight – did we have a thing?"

"No. No thing."

"Well, I can't do it."

"There was no thing. What happened?"

"I don't know. My mom just said 'Come now.' Heart attack. Again. So, I need to go. Now."

"Just – just wait. I'm coming to get you."

"For what?" The answer should have been obvious, but in the moment she was clearly puzzled. It was lunch rush, wasn't it?

"So I can _drive you_. Don't go anywhere."

"Okay," she heard herself say as she hit the end call button.

She wasn't sure how long it took Luke to get there. In some ways it seemed like she was waiting an eternity. In other ways, she felt like he was there in seconds. She mumbled something to Michel – to this day she's not entirely sure what she said to him – but he gave her a nod and encouraged her to go, so she must have told him what was happening because she got nothing but support from him, no snarky, sarcastic comments.

The ride to Hartford was similar to the wait for Luke to pick her up. It felt like it was the longest drive she had ever taken to Hartford – but it also felt like they were there in no time at all.

"It can't be good," she said softly. The drive had been mostly quiet. Luke knew that when Lorelai was _quiet_ she needed space, so he let her have her quiet. Finally, she broke the silence. "This keeps happening to him. It can't be good. Mom said it was _bad_. What does that _mean_?"

"He's pulled through before," Luke reminded her, avoiding answering her question or giving her any false promises like _he'll be fine_. "It's been a while since his last trip to the hospital. Let's just get there and see what's going on."

"Rory!" Lorelai suddenly realized. "Oh _shoot_. I forgot about Rory! Where is Rory? Is she in London? Or is she here? I can't remember. I have to call her. Do you think Mom called her already? No, then she would've called me. I need to call her." She grabbed her phone and fumbled with it. "Passcode? Luke, what's my passcode?" How could she have forgotten to call Rory? She realized in the past, Rory had always been the one to call _her_ when her own father went to the hospital. She'd never had to think of calling Rory before.

Luke reached out with one hand and placed it on one of hers to calm her. "Look, just – we're like three minutes away. Just wait until we get there so we can have something solid to tell her. So she won't be wondering like you. I'll call her if you want me to. Let's just get inside."

"Yeah. Okay," she agreed. "Okay."

They made their way inside and found Emily in no time, barking orders at doctors and nurses, of course. She informed them that Richard was admitted to the ICU, but he was awake now. "I have to call Rory," Lorelai said once again, fumbling with her phone.

A few hours passed. Rory arrived. Luke went to fetch coffee for the three women, though only Lorelai felt like drinking it in the end (of course). Finally, a doctor came out and reported that Richard was awake, and they could see him. "He's been in and out of consciousness," the doctor said gently. "He's stable now but it's really touch and go."

Luke had been through this with his mother, and his father. He could tell from the doctor's words that he wasn't very sure that Richard's stability would last, though he seemed hopeful. Lorelai and Rory seemed relieved. Emily seemed to see through the doctor's words in the same manner that Luke had. Maybe she had some sense of the seriousness of the situation after being with him when he collapsed and on the ride to the hospital via ambulance.

They spent about twenty minutes visiting with him, when the nurses informed the family that they needed to check his vitals. Richard had resisted, saying he wanted to continuing visiting with his family. Clearly grumpy, he barked at them, "Get the hell away from me!" The three women left the room to let the nurses do their job, hoping he would calm down if they just got it over with. It wasn't but three minutes later when there was a flurry of activity, doctors rushing to Richard's room, and everyone sat up, alert.

"Excuse me," Lorelai grabbed the next doctor that rushed to her father's room. "What's going on? What's happening?"

"I'm afraid he's in cardiac arrest again," the doctor said quickly, barely taking a moment to stop before rushing inside.

"I need to go in there!" Emily exclaimed, jumping up from her chair. Lorelai and Rory both rushed to her, hoping to prevent her from barging into the room.

"Mom, just – you can't go in there right now," Lorelai told her, grabbing her by the arm before she was out of her reach.

"I have to!" she exclaimed, though she didn't fight her daughter's grip on her arm too hard. Luke remembered her solemn look earlier when the doctor said 'touch and go.' She knew it was serious. She knew she didn't really want to _see_ what could happen.

It was not long until a doctor returned, solemn. Luke knew, right away, based on the look on the doctor's face. He'd seen it before, with his dad. The women, however, didn't seem to sense it. They waited eagerly for an update, which came quickly.

"I'm so sorry," the doctor began.

The room was silent. No one needed to hear anything more to understand, this time. For the third time that day, Lorelai wasn't sure if it felt like an extraordinary amount of time passed before anyone reacted, or if it was just a brief pause before everyone reacted. Emily jumped into action and started barking all kinds of demands at the doctor, the nurses. She began asking things that Lorelai was surprised she even knew to ask. She demanded to see her husband for herself. They promised her she could, momentarily. She demanded that she be with him until he was removed. Rory seemed to flinch at the word "removed," making the situation all too real suddenly. Emily started demanding a hundred other requests that none of them had even thought of. Lorelai followed after her, trying to keep her from completely attacking the staff. Rory, who had been standing, slowly sat down in the nearest chair. Luke watched the two elder Gilmore women move about the room in a flurry, while Rory processed quietly. They all seemed to be reacting exactly akin to their personalities.

"You okay?" he finally asked Rory, who was staring at her hands. "I mean, I know you're not. I'm sorry about your grandpa," he added, knowing the words wouldn't really be helpful to her anyway. Rory nodded.

"I'm okay. I guess. It was just so sudden and- " she shook her head violently, suddenly, the proper, pristine Rory façade falling away. "I'm not okay. No," she said, tears beginning to fall. Luke pulled her up from the chair enveloped her into a hug. A moment passed by before Rory's breakdown finally caused Emily, and in addition, Lorelai, to stop whirling about the room.

"Oh, Honey," Lorelai finally stepped towards her daughter. She didn't move from Luke's arms for a moment, so Lorelai rubbed her back comfortingly until she moved to hug her mother. "Rory, I know. I know," Lorelai murmured comfortingly to her daughter.

Emily watched the scene before her in silence, then took the moment to charge after a doctor who passed by. "I'm going in there!" she informed the doctor. "I need to see my husband!"

This doctor nodded, and gestured for her to follow, no longer fighting her. "Yes. Of course. Follow me, m'am." Lorelai watched in surprise as her mother disappeared.

A minute later, Rory pulled away from her mother. "I'm okay. I need to go in there. I need to make sure Grandma is okay," Rory said. She headed for the door that Emily had recently disappeared into, and looked back as if to ask Lorelai if she was coming, too. Lorelai just gave her a nod to go ahead, and Rory disappeared the same way that Emily had.

Lorelai sighed, putting her hands in her jacket pockets. She looked down at the floor and then up at Luke, who was watching her reaction closely. She knew she had to go in there. She didn't want to go in there. She had a flashback to all those years ago, standing in this same hospital, Luke knowingly watching her hesitate going into her father's hospital room. Only he had been alive then. And Luke had only been her friend. And Rory was only 16 and she was only 32. Now here she was again, struggling to go into that room and face the emotions, again. Why did she always have such a hard time dealing with emotions when it came to her parents? _To anyone, really,_ a voice in the back of her head told her. Now Rory was the one who was 32 and she was able to go in there and be an adult with ease. At least she'd raised her daughter to be strong.

"Well. That's… that. Then, I guess," Lorelai mumbled to Luke finally. "Can you believe it? Just like that. I – I can't believe it."

She looked to him with a look that Luke had seen many times. He'd seen it when they were friends, he'd seen it all the years they'd been together. The look of a Lorelai who was trying to be strong, who was trying to put on a brave face even to him when they both knew that he could see right through it. It was the face of the Lorelai who cried about needing money for the inn, the face of the Lorelai who came to tell him that Rory was dropping out of Yale. It was the face of the determined Lorelai who came to issue him an ultimatum and it was the face he somehow didn't acknowledge all those months before it.

"C'mere," Luke said, stepping towards her and opening his arms to her. Despite her facade of bravery and strength, she accepted the invitation of comfort and fell into his arms. She let the tears fall freely, silently – thankful that Luke was here with her. Sure, they all had each other, but they were all grieving in a way that Luke was not. She was thankful Luke was here to keep them all together. She was thankful for his strong arms wrapped tightly around her. For the soft kisses he was pressing into her hair, and her temple. For the way he was slightly swaying back and forth with her. For the way he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and pulled away to peer at her face. "I'm so sorry, Sweetheart. I'm so sorry," he told her softly.

It was _rare_ , extremely rare, to get terms of endearment out of Luke. He'd used them with her on the very rare occasions. Once in a while she'd catch him using them with April, or even Rory – but it was even more rare for her to be on the receiving end of them.

"Thank you," she finally said softly, pulling away to wipe her eyes and look at him. He was looking at her with such concern that it almost made her want to cry harder. "I just can't believe it. It happened so fast. We didn't even get to say goodbye." Had her father's last words really been _get the hell away from me_?

"I know," he agreed, kissing her on the head once more. "I know."

"I should go in there," Lorelai finally stated. "I can't leave Rory to deal with my mother. She's probably hysterical right now." She knew Luke was worried about her, so she added, "I'm okay," and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

Luke nodded, and as she pulled away he caught her hand and gave it a squeeze. "Hey," he told her, and she stopped in her tracks to look at him. "Do what you need to do."

"What?"

"Everyone processes things like this differently. Your mother is going to take charge of everyone and everything. Rory is going to follow after her and make sure she's okay. That's how they process. And your mother is going to tell you whatever you do to process this is the wrong way to process," he told her. "I know. I know the two of you well enough by now. If you cry, she's going to say you're not doing it right. If you don't, she's going to say you're not doing it right. You just do what you need to do to get through this. Okay?"

Tears filled her eyes again and she nodded. "I love you," she told him before slipping through the same doorway Emily and Rory had disappeared into.

The night wore on into the early morning, but eventually there was nothing more for them to do at the hospital. Emily was still clearly in shock, but processing in the only way she knew how. She started planning immediately, determined to have the funeral "in a timely manner." Rory kept looking at Lorelai nervously, worried about her grandmother.

"Grandma," Rory finally said, stopping her by placing a hand on her shoulder. "You need to go home."

"Home!" Emily said, aghast, as if it was the most ludicrous idea. The thought of _home_ , knowing Richard wasn't going to accompany her there again, was too much to process. "No, I have to…"

"Mom, there's nothing more to do here," Lorelai told her softly. Emily stared at her for a moment before nodding slightly. In an uncharacteristic move on both their parts, Lorelai pulled her mother to her in a hug and Emily allowed it without any comment. Rory and Luke exchanged a look as they watched the scene unfold before them.

Eventually the four of them left the hospital, Rory accompanying her grandmother home and offering to stay with her for the time being.

"Will you be okay?" Lorelai asked as they parted ways in the lobby. "I could come too if…"

"No. It's okay. Go home. You need time to deal with this. Grandma needs to time to deal with this, too. I don't know that the two of you can do that together. You have Luke. Grandma and I have each other." Lorelai nodded as she and her daughter exchanged a hug before she watched Rory escort her grandmother down the hallway, linking arms with her and leaning her head against hers as they left.

The drive back to Stars Hollow was quiet. Luke let her have her space, something she loved and appreciated about him. He asked her if she wanted to stop to eat, but she just shook her head. She was trying to remember the last time she saw her dad, the last conversation they had, before the hospital. She'd been there for dinner several Fridays ago. He'd excused himself early to take a phone call, before dessert was done. She'd left without saying goodbye to him. She couldn't remember the last exchange they had before today.

Suddenly they were home, and she was surprised to find she was standing in the living room. When had they gotten there? When had they parked the truck? When had she walked inside?

Luke seemed to notice her distance and placed a hand on her back. "Are you okay?" She nodded absently, reaching down to pet Paul Anka who seemed confused that he wasn't getting his usual greeting. Luke grabbed the leash by the door and said, "I'm just going to take him out."

She made her way upstairs while Luke was outside with Paul Anka. She threw off her shoes – it seemed like a lifetime ago she had put on those shoes, thinking it would be just another day at work. She was about to change into her pajamas, when she realized she didn't know where they were and didn't really care to look. _Did Luke clean them up again?_ she found herself wondering momentarily before finally throwing herself into bed.

Luke was there a few minutes later. He looked at her for a second, then she heard him pick up her shoes and put them away in the closet. Finally he sat down on his side of the bed and reached over to place a hand on her shoulder. "I'm here."

She nodded, suddenly realizing tears were about to fall. She shut her eyes tighter. "Are you – don't you want to change?" he asked, wondering if she was planning to go to bed in the dress she had worn to work that day.

He let her be when he got no answer and instead got himself ready for bed. Finally he climbed into bed next to her, wondering if she was okay. She'd been more silent since they left the hospital than he had probably ever seen her. He reached out to wrap an arm around her, so she knew he was there. A moment later she turned to face him and settled into his embrace.

"I hope I didn't let him down too badly," she said softly. Luke watched her close her eyes and settle in and said nothing, but rubbed circles comfortingly on her back. Somewhere in the back of her mind she found herself wondering why she and Luke weren't married. This thought seemed to pop into her mind more often than it should if she was truly okay with the way things were, but as usual she pushed it back into the abyss where she hid things. He was so good to her. He was so strong. She closed her eyes and let the comfort of his touch distract her, though she didn't feel like sleep was coming anytime soon.

Luke managed to sleep on and off, but he was fairly certain Lorelai had slept very little, if at all. The sun was barely rising when she began to stir and get out of bed.

"It's early," he told her.

"I know. I have a lot to do," she said. "I have to call the inn. They don't know. I have to check on my mom and Rory. I have to help my mom plan…"

"Lorelai. It's _early_. They're probably sleeping."

"No way. My mom isn't sleeping. She's planning. I should be helping her."

Luke nodded and let go of her, willing to let her do whatever she needed to do during this time. "Do you want something to eat?"

She shook her head. "No. Thanks." She got out of bed and headed to the bathroom. Paul Anka immediately jumped on the bed and took her spot. Years ago, Luke had tried to discourage this. Now it was just part of his life.

Paul Anka looked at him, confused, seemingly sensing Lorelai's mood as well.

"Yeah. I know," Luke said, patting him on the head. "I know."

He knew, from experience, that the loss of a parent was a hard thing to deal with. He knew for someone like Lorelai it was going to be even harder, as she was going to have to confront a lot of feelings about her relationship with her father, her parents. Rory was rarely around these days, Sookie had just taken off on a sabbatical, and that left him. He knew he was going to have his work cut out for him to help her through this. He was going to encounter walls and resistance and a Lorelai who refused to express all her emotions.

Probably the first step was going to be to get her to eat.

He'd had a decent amount of respect for Richard. Of the two elder Gilmores, Richard had always been the more level-headed and reasonable, easier of the two to approach. He'd been able to forge a somewhat decent relationship with him the past nine years. Though they'd had their differences over the years (mainly over whether or not he was good enough for his daughter), he'd always known he was a decent, hard-working, family man. He was easier to read than Emily. He knew he had pride for his daughter. Though she'd hurt him leaving with Rory when she had, Luke knew he had admiration for how well she had raised her daughter, for how she'd built her own successful business, for how strong she was.

If Lorelai would've been confident in that fact, as well.


End file.
